


Where My Demons Hide

by IvanW



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, BottomJim, Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Time, Gay Sex, Grief, HurtJim, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Love, M/M, Marriage, Mind Manipulation, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Post-Star Trek Beyond, ProtectiveSpock, Psychological Torture, Rape/Non-con Elements, Reader Prompt, Romance, Self-Harm, Star Trek: Beyond spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts, Tarsus References, TopSpock, dark themes, loss of family
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2018-07-26 13:44:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 33,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7576165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reader request from SkylynnShimmertail. </p><p>Jim gets a threatening message from his Stepfather and, while he keeps his fear and agitation secret, he becomes more and more reckless on missions to the point where he has absolutely no regard for his safety. </p><p>Spock, after finding out, has to decide which road to take to handle the situation; staying to comfort Jim or leaving to confront the man causing this pain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: This fiction contains dark themes, including past childhood sexual abuse, psychological torture and trauma, non-consensual manipulative sex, sexual coercion, suicidal thoughts and attempts, self-harm, extreme self-doubt and insecurity. If any of these are triggers or offensive for you in anyway, you may wish to avoid.

 

“So, you guys are back together, huh?” Jim smiled at Spock, leaning closer to squeeze Spock’s arm.

“Captain?”

“Bones told me that you two were having issues. You and Uhura.” Jim stared down into his drink for a moment, like he could discover the wisdom of the world, but then he raised his gaze to Spock. One thing Jim refused to be was a coward. Never that. “But tonight at the party, you guys looked like you’re working things out.”

“I am…uncertain,” Spock replied softly.

“Yeah?” Jim took a long swallow. “Well, if you are back, I’m really happy for you.”

“We will always remain friends. I care a great deal about Nyota and she cares a great deal for me. Whether we can put our differences aside to repair our relationship, I do not know.”

“Was it the New Vulcan thing?”

Spock blinked rapidly and Jim could see he had surprised Spock. “You know of that, Captain?”

“Bones told me that too.”

For a moment, Spock just stared at him. Then he said softly, “I did intend to discuss it with you.”

“I’m sure. And while we’re on the subject, Spock, we should talk about something else.”

“You refer to what you wanted to discuss in the turbolift?”

Jim nodded. “Look, really, the thing is, I’ve changed my mind about it anyway, but—”

“You applied for the vice admiral position on Yorktown.”

Now it was Jim’s turn to be surprised. “You knew about that?”

“Commodore Paris mentioned you had recommended me for Captain of the Enterprise should you earn the promotion.”

“Oh.” Jim licked his lips. “Yeah. I changed my mind though.” He searched Spock’s gaze. “What about you?”

“Whatever happens with Nyota, I have decided to remain on the Enterprise,” Spock said quietly. “I believe Ambassador Spock would have approved of my decision.”

“Spock? Do you have a moment?” Uhura had walked over to where they were standing by the window. She smiled at Jim. “Sorry for the interruption, Captain.”

Jim shook his head. “I need a refill anyway. Goodnight you two.”

He walked away and didn’t look back because he couldn’t. And anyway, he did say he was going to call his mom. He bid goodbye to Scotty—he couldn’t find Bones—and he went to his temporary quarters on Yorktown. Eventually they would return to Earth while the new Enterprise was built.

His mom looked tired when she appeared on screen, but she offered him a sweet smile. “Hi, baby. I was just about to contact you.” She paused and there was only a slight catch in her voice. “Happy Birthday.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“What happened to your face? Oh, don’t answer that. I heard about what happened.”

“So many lives, Mom.”

“It’s never easy, Jim, but you’re a great leader,” his mom told him. “You were ambushed. And you saved millions of lives on Yorktown.”

Jim nodded. “How are you?”

“I’m hanging in. I miss my boys.”

“Heard from Sam?”

She shook her head. “Not in a while. You know how he is.”

_“What you want doesn’t matter. You are nothing.”_

“Yeah,” Jim replied. “I know what he’s like. How’s the farmhouse?”

“Lonely.”

“You hate being retired.”

“I sure do. But I’m getting used to it. Think you’ll visit me before you go out again?”

“I’ll try,” Jim said, though they both kind of knew he wouldn’t try that hard. There were always promises between them. Most of them broken.

“Hey, before you go, I have something else you might want to know. It probably won’t really affect you because you’ll be out in space and all but…well…they released him.”

Jim’s blood froze. “Released?”

She nodded, her eyes sad. “Time served.”

“There’s no time he could have served that it would make up for any of it,” he whispered hoarsely.

“I know, Jim. That’s why I thought you should know. He probably won’t bother you. God knows I threatened to cut off his balls if he ever goes anywhere close to you, but you should know.”

“Okay.” The words to thank her got stuck in his throat.

“We’ll talk soon. I love you.”

“Love you, too, Mom.”

The screen went blank.

Jim shook himself. None of that mattered. Not anymore.

****

_Two months Later_

Jim was already late to meet Bones for dinner. His meeting with the admiralty at Starfleet HQ had run longer than Jim had thought it would. All routine stuff about the refit on the latest edition of the Enterprise which would go out three months from now, if everything worked as it should.

Jim had been back in San Francisco for one and a half months. The crew for the most part had gone their separate ways for their time away from the Enterprise. Sulu had stayed on Yorktown with his husband and daughter. Uhura had gone to visit her family, without Spock, as Jim had learned. Jim was still unsure about the status of their relationship officially, but he had a suspicion that it had remained firmly in the friend zone after the events with Krall.

Bones had chosen to spend some time in San Francisco with Jim but he intended to catch some time with his daughter too.

Jim’s mom hadn’t brought up him coming to Riverside again since his birthday and neither had Jim.

He was just grabbing his coat when there was a light tapping at his door. Jim went to it and was a little startled to find Spock there.

“Captain, you are going out?”

“Yeah, to meet Bones for dinner. Did you want to come along?”

“If you do not mind, I would like a quick word with you.”

Jim nodded. “Okay.” He let Spock in and closed the door behind him. “What’s on your mind?”

“Jim, I am going to New Vulcan.”

“Wait, what? I thought you had decided to stay with Starfleet.”

“And I have. I do not mean permanently. I meant for a month,” Spock explained, his hands behind his back.

“Oh.” Jim allowed the knot in his stomach to loosen. “Good. I really don’t know what I would do without you, Spock.”

“I request you come with me.”

“To-to New Vulcan?”

“We would have plenty of time to attend to duties, when we return, related to the departure of the Enterprise.”

Jim didn’t know what to say. This was completely unexpected. “Uhura?”

“Nyota and I remain close friends but have ultimately decided the demise of our romantic relationship was for the best for each of us. Our affection and respect for each other remains intact.”

Well. The proper reaction was to be sympathetic, Jim knew. And yet—

“I’m sorry, Spock. I know you two were together for a while.”

“It is unfortunate. However, I realized something rather significant recently.”

“Significant?”

“While I care for Nyota a great deal, my intention was still to go to New Vulcan to continue the work of rebuilding our race as well as that of Ambassador Spock. Despite her objections and the reality I knew my decision would hurt her.”

“But you did change your mind,” Jim said, feeling a little disoriented.

“Yes. Because of you, Jim. And your need for me to be by your side. Not because of Nyota.”

Jim was aware that Spock had moved closer to him. But now it occurred to him that Spock was very close. Like in his personal space close.

He licked his lips. “It was not my intention to burden you, Spock.”

“Your reliance on me is no burden. And it is…unexpectedly…reciprocated.”

Jim’s breath caught in his throat. “I’m not sure what to say.”

“Will you accompany me to New Vulcan?”

Jim’s communicator beeped. “Hold that thought.” He flipped it open. “Bones?”

“Jim, where the hell are you?”

“Sorry, Bones. Spock is here.”

“Well, bring him with you.”

Jim met Spock’s gaze. Spock nodded. “We’ll be there shortly.” He closed his communicator. Stuck it in the pocket of his jeans. “Yes.”

“Then you will accompany me to New Vulcan for the duration of a month?”

“That’s what you want?” And hell, Spock was right. It did seem significant.

“It is, Jim.”

Spock still hadn’t moved away. In fact, he had moved closer. So close. All Jim had to do was lean in just a little and they would be kissing. Which was nuts. Wasn’t it? Spock didn’t want to kiss him.

Jim realized his hands were on Spock’s chest, smoothing over Spock’s shirt, like, well, like he had a right to touch him that way. And the weird thing was Spock wasn’t stopping him.

“Spock.”

“Yes?”

“I—that is.” Jim shook his head. “God, I’ve never felt so damn shy and awkward before. Ah, hell.”

He was about to step back and just go to have dinner with Bones. But Spock’s hand was suddenly on Jim’s waist preventing him from moving.

“You do understand what I am telling you?”

“Maybe. Yes. Will you just fucking kiss me?”

Spock arched a brow but then his lips descended on Jim’s, warm and soft, and tasting way better than they had a right to. Jim heard a sort of squeak and realized it came from him as he gripped the collar of Spock’s shirt to bring their bodies into closer contact.

He felt himself be lifted off the floor and before he could orient himself, he found he was put down on the dining room table of his apartment. Spock’s mouth was devouring his, over and over, crushing his lips, Spock’s hot tongue pushing past the seam of Jim’s lips to enter his mouth.

Jim reached for the zipper of Spock’s pants, sliding it down enough for Jim’s fingers to slip inside Spock’s boxer briefs. Spock gasped against Jim’s mouth as Jim curled his fist around the length of Spock’s cock.

“Jim!”

“Shh, I’ll take care of you. Trust me.” This Jim knew. He knew how to give pleasure. Pleasure that would blow Spock’s mind.

Spock’s hips were moving frantically as Jim worked his cock with his fist, sliding across the shaft with a perfect tight grip. Spock continued to frantically kiss Jim as he felt how close Spock was to coming.

He tore his lips from Spock’s, kissing along Spock’s jaw until he reached one pointed ear. He flicked his tongue over the tip and Spock gave a keening cry as he came all over Jim’s hand.

They were both breathing hard, lips swollen, as they stared at each other wide-eyed.

“We-we’re late. To meet Bones. We gotta go.”

“Captain, what about you?” Spock’s eyes went down to the prominent bulge in Jim’s jeans.

Jim gave him a reassuring smile. “No time for that.” He kissed Spock. “Let’s just get you cleaned up and go.”

Spock’s gaze rose to Jim’s flushed face. “Very well.”

“And Spock?” He flicked his tongue at the point of Jim’s ear. Enjoyed Spock’s shiver. “I think Jim is more appropriate in this instance, isn’t?”

Spock closed his eyes as he cupped Jim’s jaw and pulled him in for another kiss. “Yes, Jim.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Character Death

“You two had sex.”

“What?” Jim laughed. “You’re crazy, Bones.” God, he hoped he wasn’t blushing. He didn’t dare even glance at Spock. He just chose the seat directly across from Bones and sat down, noting out of the corner of his eye that Spock sat to Jim’s right.

“I may be crazy,” Bones allowed. “But you two still had sex.”

“No, we didn’t,” Jim insisted. He glanced around the relatively quiet restaurant, relieved no one seemed to be paying attention to Bones and his proclamations.  

“You’re lying.” Bones was now pointedly looking at Spock. “What about Uhura?”

“Bones.”

“Nyota and I remain friends,” Spock replied from behind his menu.

Jim thought that was a pretty good idea and lifted his own in front of his face.

“You got any more of those tracking device rocks?”

“Bones, give it a damn rest,” Jim said sharply.

“Touchy tonight, aren’t we?” Bones said with a smirk. “So, anyway, what are you going to have, Jim?”

“The Beef Bourguignon.”

“Pretty good choice. The vegetarian choices begin on page three, Spock.”

“Thank you, doctor.”

Bones lowered his own menu. “Think I’m going to have the fried chicken. I decided to go see Jo in two days. You want to come with me?”

Jim set his own menu down and reached for the glass of water that was at his seat. “Actually I’ve already got plans for the next month or so.”

“Going to see your mom?”

Jim glanced at Spock who was still carefully perusing the menu. “No. Going with Spock to New Vulcan.”

“New Vulcan? You two aren’t getting secretly married or anything, are you?”

“Bones! Jesus. No. I swear to God I’m going to strangle you.”

Bones laughed. “Kidding, Jim. You really are touchy.”

“I invited the captain to New Vulcan so that he could assist me with some projects there,” Spock said, setting his menu down.

“Projects, huh?”

“Indeed. We will be there for a duration of one month. There will be no marriage ceremonies—secret or otherwise.”

“Good to know,” Bones said with a nod. “So, are you two a—”

“Bones.”

“What? I’m just asking. We’re friends. We serve together. It would be nice to know.”

“The captain and I are exploring a new aspect of our relationship.”

A waitress appeared at their table and they all ordered.

“A new aspect, huh?”

Jim sighed. ”You’re not going to let this go, are you?”

“Probably not,” Bones acknowledged. “The two of you are too much fun to tease.”

Jim’s communicator beeped. He frowned down at it. “I have to take this. Be back.”

He rose from his seat and walked away from the table.

****

Spock’s gaze followed Jim as he headed out in the direction of the restaurant’s foyer. There was something very wrong. He could see it in the set of the captain’s shoulders.

The doctor was chattering on about something, his visit to his daughter, Spock thought, but he only half listened. He was sure he gave the appropriate answers.

But when Jim still had not returned after more than fifteen minutes and their food arrived, Spock stood.

“Doctor, I am going in search of the captain.”

“Yeah, he is taking a long time. You want me to come along?”

“Not at present,” Spock replied.

When he reached the restaurant’s foyer there was no sign of Jim so he went to the hostess. “Did you see my companion pass through here?”

“Yes, sir. He went out those doors.”

Spock turned and exited through the doors she had indicated and found himself on the sidewalk at the back of the restaurant. He caught sight of Jim immediately. He was leaning against a wall, his hands covering his eyes. Spock increased his pace to reach Jim faster.

“Jim?”

Jim did not react at first, so Spock reached for his wrists to pull his hands away from his eyes. They were wet and red, obviously from crying. Alarm shot through Spock.

“Jim?”

“There-s-there’s been an accident,” Jim whispered. “Chekov—” He thrust his communicator at Spock.

Spock glanced down at the communicator but there was nothing there. Just Jim’s communicator. Spock’s gaze rose.

“He didn’t make it.”

Spock sucked in a breath. For a moment Jim swam in front of him, moving out of focus. Spock closed his eyes, forced control. There was an ache in his side that had not been there a moment ago. But he opened his eyes and refocused on Jim. Jim would need him.

“I grieve with thee,” he said softly, reaching for Jim. He was not sure what to do other than to embrace Jim as Nyota had done for him during moments of grief. Jim sagged against him.

“How am I supposed to get through this, Spock?”

“Together we will, Jim.” Spock held him tighter. “Together as always.”

“I can’t go back in there.”

“You do not have to. I will go and inform the doctor. Wait here.” Spock placed a chaste kiss on Jim’s forehead and went back into the restaurant to break the news to Leonard.

****

“What can I do for you?”

“You don’t have to stay with me, Spock,” Jim said from where he stood by the window of his apartment, looking out at San Francisco.

Spock did not bother to respond for of course he did have to stay with Jim. And he had a feeling Jim knew it too.

“Coffee?”

“No. I think it would just sour in my stomach right now.” Jim pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes. “He was just a kid.”

“I know.” Spock went into the kitchen and brewed some tea, because he needed to do something. He was aware he was not very good at offering humans emotional comfort. He did try, but it was not something he had ever practiced. His mother had been very strong and though there were times when he thought he saw hurt in her eyes or a slip of her mask of strength, she continued to maintain the façade in front of both her husband and son. It often occurred to Spock how difficult it must have been for her with two Vulcans to subdue her emotional side.

When he came out of the kitchen with tea he saw that Jim had begun to shake. He had his arms wrapped around himself and he was trembling. Spock set the tea down and went to him, wrapping his own arms around Jim from behind and pulling him close.

“It’s unfair,” Jim whispered. “All that we went through. All that _he_ went through and it-it ends like this.”

Spock once heard it said that death too no prisoners and he’d always thought it an odd saying. And it offered absolutely no comfort.

“He apparently did not suffer much,” Spock said softly. “It happened quickly.”

“I’ve-I’ve lost people. Lots of people. Why is this so damn hard? Why does it hurt this much?” Jim turned in his arms and buried his wet face in Spock’s neck.

“You were close to him. You spent time with his every day for years. We were all close. It is like the loss of a family member.”

“Yeah.”

“The best thing we can do is keep him in our memories and in our hearts. Yes?”

Jim nodded against him. “You’re right.” His hand twisted in Spock’s sweater. “It’s better with you here. I know I told you that you didn’t have to stay but…will you?”

“There is nowhere else I would be,” Spock assured him. “I made tea. If you would like some.”

“That sounds good.” But when Spock went to move away, Jim’s grip on his sweater tightened so Spock stayed where he was. Where he belonged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to deal with this early so as not to dwell on it in later chapters.  
> I don't know if Star Trek 4 will get made (we hope) but I know that JJ said they would not recast Anton.


	3. Chapter 3

“Jim?” Spock’s voice had an urgency to it that thrilled Jim.

“Yes, do it.”

Long, elegant fingers pushed inside him, slick with lubricant. He buried his face in the pillow on the bed, biting it when Spock bit him, sharp teeth sinking into that fleshy part just below the back of his neck.

Fingers withdrew and Spock rose above him, pushing inside with a long drawn out groan.

Jim gripped the sheets, digging his fingers into the mattress as Spock fucked him hard and deep. The pleasure was there. His hard, sensitive cock pressed helplessly against the bed, the friction almost maddening in its intensity. The slide of Spock’s cock against his prostate. He was so close even without hand stimulation. Jim closed his eyes.

Spock groaned and stiffened above him, emptying inside Jim, even as the tips of his finger pressed into the skin of Jim’s hips. Spock rode out his orgasm, pumping over and over into Jim.

And then Spock collapsed. His weight on Jim almost crushing the breath from him. 

Jim sighed as Spock withdrew from him. With a shake of his head, he sat up in the bed, rubbing his hand over his forehead and hair.

Spock sat up also. “Jim, if you will lie back down I will—”

“I’m good.” Jim smiled and patted Spock’s bare thigh. “I gotta go to the bathroom though. Be back.”

“Jim—”

Jim was already standing. He frowned down at Spock. “What?”

Spock hesitated and then shook his head. “There is nothing.”

Jim smiled again and headed to his bathroom, picking up his discarded clothes as he went. Once inside he closed the door and engaged the lock as he willed his erection to go away.

_You’re nothing. Just a vessel. You just lie there and take it like the bitch you are. That’s right, you’re here to pleasure me. You get nothing. Nothing. You’re my toy, my plaything._

Jim sucked in a breath and blocked out the voice.

For a while it was almost impossible. And then it got easier. Almost effortless.

Then when he spoke to his mom the other day—

_Well…they released him._

_He probably won’t bother you._

“Jim?”

Spock from directly outside the bathroom door.

“Are you unwell?”

“No. Coming out now.” Jim scrambled into his clothes, splashed water on his face, and came out of the bathroom with a smile.

Spock had pulled on the sleeping robe he’d worn the prior night when he had slept over in Jim’s apartment. Good. That meant he was staying. Jim didn’t want to be alone. He hated sleeping alone. Did it all the time. Still hated it.

“Time for sleep?”

Spock inclined his head but Jim saw the hesitation again, the doubt, and Jim tried very hard not to give into the panic. Was Spock already regretting them?

Jim walked past him to the bed and pulled back the covers. He looked over his shoulder at Spock, afraid of what he’d see there. But Spock just looked like Spock as he approached the bed and got in next to Jim.

It was Spock who ordered the lights off as Jim snuggled up to him.

****

“The Enterprise will be ready one month earlier than originally anticipated.”

Jim looked up from his PADD at Spock who had just emerged from the bedroom, showered and dressed in black slacks and a gray sweater. He held his own PADD in his hands.

“I was just reading that myself.” Jim reached for his coffee. “I made you tea.”

“Thank you, Jim.” Spock walked over to him and touched his fingers to Jim’s.

Jim smiled. “There’s cranberry orange scones, too.”

Spock picked one off the plate. “You purchased these, Captain?”

He laughed. “No. I made them.”

“I was unaware you baked.”

“I’m full of surprises, Mr. Spock.”

“Indeed.” Spock took his tea and scones and sat down beside Jim. “What are your plans for the day?”

“Since we leave for New Vulcan tomorrow, I need to meet with the admiralty. I’m afraid it’s going to last most of the day.”

Spock nodded. “Nyota has returned from visiting her family and has asked to meet me for lunch.”

“So things are okay still between you two?”

“It appears so.”

Jim’s PADD beeped there was a message. He looked down at it. His heart froze in his chest. For a moment all he could do was stare.

“Jim?”

“Um. I better get ready.” He stood up abruptly, knocking the chair over. “Sorry.” He picked up the chair and then his PADD, but it slipped from his nerveless fingers to the floor.

Spock picked it up, glancing at the screen. “What is this?”

“A rose. It’s nothing. Thanks.” Jim took the PADD, smiled at Spock, before leaning down to kiss him softly on the lips. “See you later?”

“Yes, Jim. I will be here when you return from your meetings.”

Jim headed for the door. “Lock up, will you?”

“I will.”

“Most secure code, okay?”

“As you wish.”

“Can’t be too careful. Been some robberies in this neighborhood.” This time Spock didn’t reply, so Jim slipped out the door and made his way to HQ.

****

“How are things between you and the captain?”

“I am uncertain,” Spock admitted, placing his menu down on the table.

“Uncertain? What’s wrong? You seemed happy when you first got together.”

“Jim is…not what I expected.”

Nyota picked up her coke and sipped it through the straw. “I don’t understand.”

“I do not either. He is holding himself back.”

“Well, that doesn’t totally surprise me. From what I know from Leonard, he hasn’t really done a relationship before. Maybe he doesn’t know how to act?”

“Perhaps,” Spock acknowledged, “I am left always believing I am doing something wrong. It is unsettling.”

“You could talk to him?”

Spock nodded. “I suspect I will have to.”

“You’re not regretting anything, are you?”

“My own feelings? Negative. My regret is that I seem unable to be what it is he wants or needs me to be.”

“I’m sure it’s nothing, Spock.” She put her hand on his. “He’s always been a little closed off. Just try opening him a little more. New Vulcan might be just the place to try.”

Spock agreed as the waiter came to take their order.  
    


	4. Chapter 4

“Are you sure about this, Jim?”

“Well.” Jim shrugged as he bent down to check his luggage. “Spock wants to.”

“That’s it? Spock wants you to.”

“Good of reason as any.” Jim tried a smile.

“Jim—”

“Bones, it’s fine.”

“Your mental state—”

“Is fine.” Jim squeezed Bones’ arm. “I swear, Bones. It’s all good.”

Spock suddenly appeared at his side in the shuttle bay. “Is there a problem, Captain?”

He had to smile at the softly spoken ‘captain’. A genuine smile. He figured he would never break Spock of the habit of calling him by his title and for some reason it was more endearing than it should be.

“No problem. Bones was just saying goodbye.”

Spock turned to Bones. “Doctor, I trust you will have a restful time while we are on New Vulcan.”

“Yeah, restful,” Bones muttered. “You got all the hypos I’m sending with you?”

“Yep.”

“Sunscreen?”

“Yep.”

He eyed Spock. “And you have all the hypos I’m sending with you in case he loses the ones I’m sending with him?”

“Hey,” Jim protested. “I totally won’t.”

“Yes, doctor. I have everything. He will not come to harm.”

Bones seemed unconvinced judging by his grimace, but he pulled Jim into a quick embrace. Jim patted his back gently and then pulled away.

“I’ll let you know when I’m there.”

“You’d better.”

Jim turned to go up the ramp for the shuttle.

“Spock, you have a minute?” Bones asked.

Jim stopped. He frowned as he turned around.

Bones waved at him. “It’s nothing, Jim. Just need a moment with Spock.”

Jim didn’t like it but there wasn’t much he could do about it. So he sighed and turned to go into the shuttle.

 

Spock noticed the grim lines around Jim’s mouth as they made their way to his father’s house which would be their home for the next month. He had been talking animatedly the entire way from Earth to New Vulcan, but he’d grown quiet ever since they landed and went through a bit of New Vulcan on their way to Sarek’s.

“My father could not be here for our arrival but will come later to have dinner with us,” Spock explained. He used the code his father had given him to access the house.

Once inside the home, Spock said, “My father is aware of our change in status and had assumed we would share a room, however, if you would prefer separate accommodations, I am certain that can be arranged.

Jim smiled faintly. “Sharing with you is fine, Spock. In fact, it’s preferable.”

Spock nodded and led Jim toward the room his father had advised would be theirs for the duration of their stay. It was a simple room with a bed big enough for both of them, a closet to hang their clothes and a dresser for anything they might want to place in drawers. There was a single window, facing away from the sun.

“This is nice.”

“It was…”

Jim cocked his head. “What?”

“This was the room Ambassador Spock occupied while staying on New Vulcan,” Spock said quietly.

Jim came to where Spock stood in the middle of the room. He placed his hands on Spock’s biceps. “I’m sorry. We can request another place to stay, maybe?”

Spock shook his head. “My father would think that illogical. It is only a room and does not contain his presence.”

Jim moved one of his hands to Spock’s jaw. “I guess I really didn’t think how much this affected you. I’ve been in my own little world.”

Spock leaned into Jim’s touch. “My concern has been with you.”

“Me?” Jim gave him a quizzical look. “Why?”

“You are melancholy.”

“Despite what everyone thinks I’m really not some sort of laughing doofus.”

“I never imagined such a thing.”

Jim sighed. “I know. The point is, I would like to think I’ve matured a bit and I can be serious.”

“Not too serious, I hope.” Spock gazed into his eyes. “The loss of Mr. Chekov weighs heavily on you.”

“On everyone.” Jim shook his head. “What did Bones want?”

“To charge me with your care.”

“My care? Jesus. I actually can take care of myself you know. I don’t need a nursemaid.”

“No. However, is it so terrible to have those around you wish to ensure your safety and welfare?”

Jim’s mouth thinned. “When put like that you make me sound like an asshole.”

“Never that. Dr. McCoy’s concern for you is admirable and appreciated.”

Jim pushed closer into Spock’s personal space. Spock found he did not mind. “Did you want to ask your dad about moving rooms?”

“Negative. It is only for our stay and I am certain my father thought it was the best choice for us.” Spock slid his arms around Jim’s waist. “You are tense. What is bothering you?”

Jim shook his head and was already opening his mouth in denial.

“Jim.”

“It’s just…they really do need so much help here. I’m—it’s selfish of me to want you to stay with me and I know it.”

“Perhaps,” Spock acknowledged quietly. “But I find that I want you to be selfish.”

“Spock—”

“I will do what I can from the Enterprise. My place is by your side.” Spock turned Jim around so that his back was to Spock. He put his hands on Jim’s shoulders and began to massage the muscles there.

“Mm. That feels great.”

“I am glad you approve.”

“I do.” Jim sighed softly. And before Spock could stop him, Jim stepped away and gently pushed Spock to sit on the edge of the bed. “Let me show you.”

“Jim—”

“Shh. It’ll feel good, I promise.” Jim knelt on the bed behind Spock and he began to attack Spock’s own tense muscles with rigor. “Feels good, huh?”

“Yes,” Spock agreed. “But it was my intention to massage you.”

“You can do that another time,” Jim said easily. “Right now I want you to feel good.”

It was on the very edge of Spock’s mind that there was something not quite right about all of this, but Jim’s hands on his neck, shoulders, and back felt so good, Spock closed his eyes and let the relaxed feeling push away any negative thoughts.

Spock did not know how long Jim continued to massage him but eventually he became aware he was laying on his back on the mattress and Jim was undoing his trousers.

“Jim?”

“It’s all right. I’m just here to give you pleasure,” Jim assured him as Spock felt Jim’s callused fingers pull his cock and balls out from his pants.

Spock jolted in shock when Jim’s hot mouth encircled the tip of his penis. The sensation was unlike anything he had ever felt before. His sexual life with Nyota had been satisfactory but not altogether inspiring. As Jim deep-throated him, Spock could not stop a keening cry from escaping his lips. Then he yelped, there was no other logical word for it, when he felt Jim’s slicked finger push inside Spock’s hole as he continued to expertly suck Spock’s erection.

“Jim,” he gasped, clutching at Jim’s head desperately as his whole body seemed alight with tiny shocks of electricity. His fingers threaded into Jim’s beautiful hair as his hips seemed to rise up of their own free will, pushing himself further within Jim’s talented mouth.

The finger pushed further and Jim swallowed around Spock and he was lost. He knew he shouted, Vulcan words of ancient origin, as he came, filling his captain’s mouth. He had a moment of gratitude that his father was not home for Spock knew he could not have been quiet.

Jim released him with a sort of slippery sounding pop and his finger eased out of Spock’s entrance with an astounding gentleness. Spock could only look upon Jim with wonder.

Jim smiled. “I’d better clean up.”

“Wait.”

“For what?”

Spock blinked, taking a moment to catch his breath. “I-I wish to reciprocate.”

“Oh.” Jim shook his head but he was grinning. “No worries. Your dad will be home soon, right?”

“Yes,” Spock replied reluctantly.

“I don’t want to be in the middle of anything.”

“I am certain there is time.”

“No way. I don’t want to come out of the room and greet him just after having sex. What an impression.” Jim smirked. “It’s fine.” He slipped into the bathroom off the bedroom.

Spock sat up and adjusted his own clothing. He would have to clean up as well.

But the alarm he felt over Jim’s behavior had increased tenfold. Clearly Spock was inadequate to fulfill Jim’s needs.


	5. Chapter 5

It was hot here. Insufferably so, really. And Jim had another moment where he wondered if agreeing to a month long visit to New Vulcan had been wise. Because, certainly, it was not the first one.

He’d been there two weeks already and had two more to go until he could escape to somewhere cooler. He tugged at the collar of his shirt. He had never sweated so much.

From his research, Vulcan had actually been hotter than New Vulcan. Jim had never made it there before it got destroyed so he only had accounts from those like Sarek and Spock to tell him.

And that was unbearably sad anyway, wasn’t it? A whole planet gone. And six billion Vulcans with it. It was still something he would never get used to. Through Ambassador Spock he had felt the crushing grief of its loss. Sometimes it haunted him even still. Jim could only be grateful Spock had been on the Enterprise and had survived. He hated to think if that had not been the case. But he had Spock. So he didn’t have to add that to all that fucked him up inside.

He stepped to the edge of a rock formation and looked down into what looked like a crater likely caused by some ancient meteor crash or something. He wiped his arm across his forehead.

It was a big drop, no doubt about it. If he fell down there he wouldn’t get up again. He took another step forward. Heard the pebbles falling down the hill from where he stepped.

“Jim, you are too close to the edge of the cliff,” Spock spoke up from about three hundred feet away.

“Nah, I’m fine.”

A weird bird gave a cry from up above and Jim tilted his head back to gaze up at it. At least he guessed it was a bird. Birdlike anyway. It was no eagle or hawk but it certainly had a giant wingspan. Sort of looked like old drawings of dinosaur birds from really ancient Earth.

“You are too close,” Spock said again. “Please step back.”

Jim looked away from the bird and back down below the cliff. It was filled with red and brown rocks and boulders, like the rest of the planet. It had been chosen due to its similarities with Vulcan. Spock had explained all that. There were even a few native plants down below. Flowers. None of them were roses. Black roses.

Another step forward and suddenly the ground beneath him seemed to give way.

A hand encircled his upper arm and yanked him away from the edge with extreme force. He fell to the ground and looked up at Spock, who was glaring at him. And really glaring. Not just Vulcan glaring.

“I told you that you were too close to the edge.”

Jim laughed and shook his head, scrambling to his feet. “I was fine.”

“You were about to fall,” Spock pointed out in a clipped voice.

“I was not,” Jim insisted. He brushed at the dirt on his legs and shorts. “And anyway, if I fell, then whatever.”

Spock sucked in a breath and then stared wide-eyed at him.

Jim shrugged. “I wouldn’t have anyway. Don’t take everything so serious.”

“My mother fell from a cliff to her death when we tried to transport her aboard the Enterprise,” Spock said softly. “You will forgive me if I take the matter quite seriously.”

“Oh.” _Shit. Jim, you’re such a moron sometimes._ “I didn’t think about that. I’m sorry, Spock. I really am.” He grabbed Spock by his biceps and ran his hands up and down Spock’s arms. “You forgive me?”

“Of course. Just be careful around cliffs.”

“I will.” Jim said. “I promise.” He moved his hand up to cup Spock’s jaw. Kissed the corner of Spock’s mouth. He laughed when Spock pulled away. “There’s no one around here, Spock. No Vulcans to scandalize with my improper behavior.”

“You need another shot.”

“Talk about a non sequitur.”  

“Your color is high and you are sweating profusely,” Spock pointed out. “Dr. McCoy will not be pleased if I allow you to collapse.”

Jim snorted and turned away to dig into his backpack. “You don’t _allow_ me to do anything. No one is in charge of me but me.” He removed one of the hypos. “And I’m pretty sure that this isn’t going to make me any cooler. Jesus, Spock. It’s fucking hot here.”

Spock quirked a brow and took the hypo from Jim and injected it into his shoulder. “I find the temperature comfortable.”

“I know. Your favorite place on Earth is Death Valley.” Jim leaned over and panted. “I think I’ve lost twenty-five pounds just from sweating.”

“We can return to the house if you wish. It is likely time to feed you anyway.”

Jim rubbed his stomach. “It’s past time. I’m really hungry.”

Spock nodded. “We will return to our explorations tomorrow.”

“Can we get an earlier start? Maybe it will be just a slight bit cooler.”

“As you wish, Jim.”

Jim followed Spock as they hiked back the way they came. He took a canteen out of his backpack and took a drink. It wasn’t cold at all anymore. And he was half tempted to pour it over his head.

He hadn’t realized how far they’d actually come until they kept walking and walking. They’d been walking back at least an hour before he spotted Sarek’s house in the distance.

“You are all right, Captain?” Spock asked.

“Well. If you can call being physically exhausted, dirty, sweaty, smelly and hungry as a bear all right, then yes.”

“It is only a little farther now.”

“I’m pretty sure you told me that half an hour ago.”

When they finally reached Sarek’s house, Spock stopped him before they entered.

“I apologize that you are having a miserable time.”

Jim smiled. “I’m not having a _miserable_ time, Spock. I’m with you, okay? It’s-it’s not exactly where I’d choose to take a vacation, it’s true.”

“Where would you choose?”

“Right now? A fucking igloo. With a blizzard.” Jim grinned and touched his fingers to Spock’s. “Now can we go inside where it’s at least a little cooler? I need a shower.”

They entered the house and Jim heaved a sigh of relief.

“I’m going to get that shower. And whatever we have to eat, please tell me it’s not soup.”

Jim laughed at the look Spock gave him and then headed down the hall to the room they’d been given. He stripped out of his shirt and shorts and went into the bathroom. He turned the water to cool.

“Sonic Schmonic,” he muttered and got under the spray of deliciousness. He closed his eyes and slid his hand down to his cock.

****

“Better?” Spock asked when Jim emerged a while later dressed in a tank top and shorts. He left his feet bare. Both Spock and Sarek were dressed in Vulcan robes.

Weirdos.

“Much. Hello, sir,” Jim greeted Sarek with a smile.

“Sarek, Jim. Remember? There is no need for such formality,” Sarek reminded Jim.

“What are we having?”

“Plomeek soup,” Sarek said, his expression blank.

“What?” Jim sked.

Sarek’s lips twitched. “That is what Spock and I will have. We have a refreshing salad of greens, tomatoes, and cucumbers for you.”

Jim grinned. “Thank God. Wait. Vulcan cucumbers or Terran ones?”

“Terran. I am aware of your distaste for the ones from here,” Sarek assured him. “You have made it quite obvious.”

Jim felt himself sort of blush but it was probably true. He had something of a big mouth when it came to what he liked to eat and did not like to eat. He smiled when Spock handed him iced tea just as his PADD beeped that he had a message.

He went to where he’d left it by the sofa in the living room.

He picked it up and read.

_Hello Darling. I’ll be seeing you…soon._


	6. Chapter 6

“Hey Bones.”

“About time you contacted me.” Bones appeared very large on Jim’s PADD screen. He could see the pores in his face and up his nostrils.

“Whoa, whoa, hang on,” Jim said with a laugh. He adjusted his screen and Bones appeared normal size. “Better. You were huge.”

“I _am_ huge, kid.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “Please. Give me a break, will you?” He sat on a bench.

“Where are you?”

“Sarek’s backyard. Sort of. I mean it’s all open, no fences or anything. And there’s no other houses for miles. But he’s got some plants and things.” Jim looked around the yard of succulent plants and colorful benches. The one he sat on was red. “I’m on one of the benches.”

“Where’s Spock?”

Jim glanced toward the house. “He’s talking to his dad.”

“About?”

“I dunno. Whatever Vulcan sons talk about with Vulcan fathers.” Jim looked back at Bones. “I’m not exactly an expert on father-son talks.”

Bones frowned. “Yeah.” For a moment Bones said nothing, just exchanged a sort of sympathetic look with Jim. They’d been down that road before. “You look hot.”

Jim grinned. “Thought you’d never say so.”

“Ha, funny. You asshole.” Bones suddenly looked very serious. “Are you taking care of yourself?”

“Yes. It _is_ hot here. Almost unbearable.”

“Hm. There’s more. Something you aren’t telling me.” Bones sighed. “Send me your vitals.”

“Bones—”

“Just scan yourself with the tricorder I sent with you and send me the results.”

Jim sighed. “It’s in the house.”

“Send it later then.” Bones leaned back in his chair and put his legs up on the desk in front of him. “How are things going with the hobgoblin?”

“Spock and I are fine.”

“Don’t tell me any gory details.”

Jim laughed. “Bones. Besides, there’s not much to tell.”

Bones frowned. “What? You and Spock aren’t sleeping together?”

“No, we are. I mean, pretty much just sleeping.”

“I probably don’t want to ask this, but why?”

Jim shifted uncomfortably on the bench. “His dad’s in the house, you know.”

“So?”

“Well.” He shrugged.

“Is this Spock’s idea?”

“No,” Jim replied. “It’s no one’s idea, Bones. We just-you know haven’t much while we’re here. We’ve only got a week and a half to go. We’ll be fine.”

Jim’s PADD beeped like he had an incoming message.

“Sounds like someone else is trying to contact you,” Bones said, straightening and leaning forward. “I’ll let you go for now. And send me those vitals.”

Another beep.

Jim smiled. “Will do. See you Bones.” 

Bones disappeared.

A black rose appeared very slowly, followed by soft classical music. A love song. Jim recognized it. It filled him with dread that sat in his stomach like a ball of lead. The petals of the rose fell off one by one.

Then words appeared across the screen.

_You Will Always Be Mine._

Jim sucked in a breath. His hands shook with a tremble he could not stop. For a moment his vision blurred, then went out entirely. He gripped the PADD tightly, but still it shook.

The door to the house opened.

“Jim?”

He threw the PADD across the yard until it hit the house with a loud crack.

“Jim!” Spock hurried to him, clearly alarmed. “Jim?”

Jim shook his head. “I’m…fine.”

Spock stared at him for a moment, clearly trying to figure out if Jim had lost his mind for good this time, then went over to his PADD and then brought it to Jim. “It is broken.”

“There-there was a bug,” Jim said, knowing how it sounded completely lame and not caring at the moment.

“A bug?”

“Yeah. Really big.” Jim glanced away. Spock was holding him now. His hands on Jim’s biceps, watching very closely.

“Ashayam.”

Jim blinked and looked at Spock. “That’s-that’s Vulcan, right?”

Spock nodded. “It is. It means…beloved.”

He smiled, though it felt like it might break his face, and his heart still pounded in his chest like he’d ran a marathon. “It’s nice. I like it.”

One of Spock’s hands moved to cup his face. “I feel your distress. It is nearly overwhelming.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean it to be.”

“Perhaps you should come inside.”

“You’re done talking with your father?”

“Yes. He has gone away for the night. Called to the city. He will stay with another elder and return in the morning.”

Jim nodded but he said nothing and allowed Spock to lead him into the house. Spock had tucked his broken PADD into his Vulcan robe.

“I guess I’ll need to get another one, when we go back,” Jim said.

“Indeed, I do not believe this one can be repaired.”

Spock gently pushed Jim into a chair at the dining room table. “I have made spiced tea. It will soothe you.”

“It-it really was a big bug,” Jim whispered.

“I have heard New Vulcan has some rather large species,” Spock murmured. He brought the teacup to Jim. Then he sat beside Jim with his own cup. “Jim.”

“Yes?”

“There is nothing you cannot tell me.” His brown eyes looked very serious and also amazingly soft. How eyes could look soft, he didn’t know. But Spock’s did.

“I don’t know about that,” Jim said, trying to joke his way out of it. “I’m sure there are some things you wouldn’t want to know. Like, I don’t know, if I was secretly half-Romulan or something.”

It was a bad joke and he regretted it instantly but before he could take it back, Spock reached for his hand and rubbed his thumb over Jim’s knuckles.

“Are you?” Spock asked.

“No. And that-that was stupid. Considering what-what the Romulans did.”

“The Romulans were not responsible as a species. The destruction of my planet and the murder of my mother can only be placed in the hands of Nero.”

“Some would resent them.” Jim stared at the way Spock was caressing him.

“Do you hold all Romulans responsible for the death of your father?”

Jim thought about it, then shook his head. “No.”

“It would be illogical for me to hold them responsible either.”

“Yeah.” Jim took a sip of his tea. “Anyway, I’m sorry.”

Spock shook his head. “You owe no apology. Do you wish to eat?”

“Not right now.”

“It has been several hours since you last ate.”

The idea of putting anything in his knotted, burning stomach did not appeal to him, but he could hardly explain that to Spock without-without…no. He struggled to find a smile. “Just not hungry right now, babe.”

The ‘babe’ surprised Spock, Jim could tell. He probably wasn’t used to endearments. He didn’t think Uhura had ever used them for Spock, even though he didn’t know for certain. Yet he had used an endearment for Jim. Which had him wondering shit he shouldn’t be wondering.

“What?” Spock asked.

Jim shrugged a little. “Sometimes I’m curious about your time with Uhura. And I don’t want to be.”

“What are you curious about?” Spock’s thumb had moved to Jim’s wrist where he gently rubbed it across over and over and it shouldn’t feel as good as it did.

“Just…that word. Ashie—”

“Ashayam.”

“Yeah. Did you-well-did you call her that? Too?” He couldn’t really look at Spock while he asked because well it was a really stupidly selfish idiotic question he probably didn’t even want to know the answer to. “I guess it doesn’t matter.”

“No, I did not.” Spock’s voice had softened even more, like maybe he knew just how ridiculously vulnerable Jim was about him. About this.

Jim’s gaze met Spock’s and he saw nothing but deep affection and honesty. Vulcans weren’t liars or anything so he guessed he had to believe Spock and really he wanted to.

“You are my beloved and no one else,” Spock said.

“Yeah?” Which seemed all sorts of lame, but he didn’t know what else to say. Jim stood then and drew Spock to his feet. Maybe he couldn’t tell Spock exactly how he felt in the perfect words, but he could show him. Jim was good at that.

He was able to draw Spock easily with him to the bedroom they were sharing in Sarek’s house. With Sarek gone for the night, neither of them bothered to close the door.

Jim undid the sash at the waist of Spock’s Vulcan robe. “What do you want, sweetheart?” He leaned in to trace his mouth over Spock’s jaw.

“You,” Spock whispered. “Only you.”

The breath caught in Jim’s throat, his chest tightening as Spock helped him undress. They were on the bed in mere moments, Jim lying on his back, Spock panting above him.

Spock kissed him everywhere and Jim found himself letting it happen, letting Spock caress him, let him take over. It felt amazing and Jim was nearly drowning in the affection and desire.

Spock’s lips crushed his underneath, his tongue slipped inside Jim’s mouth, warm, moist and utterly addicting. Spock touched him, his fist curling around Jim’s erection and he mewled almost against his will.

Jim tore his mouth from the Vulcan’s and he reached for Spock’s cock, but Spock held it elusively away. “Spock, Spock, please, don’t you-don’t you want—”

“Hush, ashayam,” Spock said, capturing Jim’s lips once more.

He clutched desperately at Spock’s shoulders as Spock continued to work his shaft. He could barely breathe, Spock wouldn’t let him, kissing him over and over until he wasn’t sure they would ever stop. Nor would he ever want to.  

And then he was coming, spurting all over Spock’s fingers, his body trembling uncontrollably with the force of his release.

“Spock,” he panted. “Spock.”

Spock’s arms tightened around him, pulling him impossibly close. “Mine,” he whispered against Jim’s neck. “Mine.”

Jim’s heart leapt into his throat. “What did you say?”

“I said you are mine.”

“Don’t.” Jim pushed at Spock.

“Jim?” Spock’s brows furrowed but he lessened his hold on Jim until Jim could get free.

Jim shook his head and then pushed a little harder until he was entirely away from Spock. “Don’t.”

He got off the bed and headed for the bathroom.  

“Jim?”

He closed the door in Spock’s face and switched the lock over before sinking to the floor, burying his face in his hands. He had to remember his breathing exercises.

Inhale, hold, release. Inhale, hold, release.

There was a slight thump on the other side of the door that might have been made by Spock’s forehead.

Jim closed his eyes and kept breathing.  


	7. Chapter 7

 Spock’s control was lagging and he did not know what to do about it. He’d poured himself tea, more to have something to do than for a specific desire for it, and his hand had shaken so badly he’d made a mess of it and splashed tea everywhere except in the cup.

Jim had still not come out of the bathroom he’d inexplicably locked himself into.

Meditation could possibly help, but every time he turned to meditate, to find a location where he could do so without interruption, he could not make himself isolate himself from Jim.  

Then again, perhaps he should. It did not seem that Jim wanted to be with him.

Spock had thought…had even given into the illogical emotion known as hope…Jim was just as interested in establishing a long-term relationship as Spock himself was. But Jim’s ever increasing unexplainable behavior toward Spock was making it difficult to maintain that hope.

And yet…Jim had not explicitly expressed disfavor with Spock.

Perhaps he should ask Jim himself. But if Jim replied that he did find Spock lacking, then…

Spock was not ready to face such an eventuality. Not yet.

In the past, when Spock found interactions with Humans difficult to discern he had voiced his failings with his mother. When she was no longer around to do so, Spock had turned to Nyota. Generally, she was able to assure him that whatever he thought was a misunderstanding. If it was his interactions with Nyota that perplexed him, then he went to Jim for clarification. Since Jim was the subject of his consternation, he could not go to Jim. And that would leave him Leonard.

Leonard was always first and foremost on Jim’s side. And so was Spock for that matter. But he did not want the doctor having to take sides in any event. That would not be fair to him.

He tensed as soon as he heard the sound of the door opening from the other room. Should he have gone for a walk? Left Jim in peace?

When Jim appeared in the living room area his hair stood on end and his eyes were bloodshot. But he was attempting a smile Spock was fully aware was for his benefit.

“Sorry, that was…that was shitty.” He put his hand on his stomach. “I don’t feel very well.”

“What is it?”

“My stomach. It’s, uh, giving me trouble.”

Spock did not dare accuse Jim of a falsehood, not in the current state they were both in, not in the tentative relationship he had established with Jim that seemed to be faltering already. And yet he knew Jim was lying. There was little to be done about it.

“I am sorry you are not well.” Spock opened his arms in invitation, uncertain what he would do if Jim refused to come to him. To his relief, Jim did not, but instead went right into Spock’s arms and in fact encircled Spock’s waist with his own arms.

“This is better already,” Jim said so softly that even Spock’s Vulcan hearing struggled to hear it.

“I am aware that Humans find comfort in hugs.”

“Not me.”

Spock stiffened and started to pull away.

Jim stopped him. “Except from you. I like them from you.”

He relaxed and held Jim tighter. “Will you explain why you do not find them comforting? It was my understanding that most humans do.”

Jim pulled just a little away. In truth, Spock would not let him get far. “You mean Uhura. And that’s what she told you.”

Spock hesitated. He was well aware Jim did not do well with discussions of his past relationship with Nyota. “Yes.”

 “Some Humans like it, but not all of them. Some people don’t like to be touched at all. Or to touch others.”

“You are not like that though.”

“No,” Jim agreed. “I’ve always liked touching you and it gives me comfort.”

“I am gratified to hear that.”

Jim stared into Spock’s eyes for so long, Spock began to feel lost in their endless blue depths, perhaps like drowning in an ocean. “My stepfather was big into hugs when I was young. They were…suffocating. When I…” Jim closed his eyes briefly, then opened them to look at Spock again. “When I was on Tarsus IV, the lady who took care of me, the last thing she did before they took her life was hug me. So tight. Sometimes I still feel her arms around me. They-I had to watch her die.” Jim’s breaths were shaky. “So, yeah, most of the time, I’d really rather someone didn’t hug me. Not like that. But with you, I’m fine. It’s good.”

Spock’s heart was beating very fast. “Jim—I—Jim—I did not—”

Now it was Jim hugging him, squeezing him. “No, I know. I know you didn’t know. It’s okay, Spock. I’m here. I’m fine. It’s okay.”

Spock squeezed back. “I apologize for my lapse.”

“Your lapse?”

“You compromise me in ways I cannot seem to control,” Spock admitted.

“I don’t mean to make it difficult for you.” Jim kissed the corner of Spock’s mouth. “Should I not have told you?”

“I would prefer you always tell me everything.”

“All my secrets, huh?” Jim said it was a smile like it was a jest or something.

“Yes,” Spock said seriously.

Jim laughed, moving his arms from around Spock’s waist to around his neck. “Not gonna happen.”

And of course that was exactly what Spock was afraid of. That Jim would choose to hide his secrets, his pain from Spock in an effort to spare Spock or himself or more probably both of them. But he could not voice these concerns. Logic always failed him around Jim.

“Perhaps some tea would settle your stomach,” he said instead.

Jim nodded. “I’d like that.”

“Jim?”

“Yeah?”

“Earlier…in the bedroom. Did I frighten you in some way?”

“No. You don’t scare me, Spock. I know you won’t hurt me.”

“I would not,” Spock agreed. He would rather have burned up in the Volcano of Nibiru than harm Jim. “But you seemed to react badly when I called you mine and I—”

“Shh.” Jim kissed him, cutting off his words instantly. “I am yours.”

“But—”

“No buts, Spock. You have me, okay?’ Jim’s blue eyes were so soft and loving that it was hard to think otherwise, though even still there was some hint of falseness there somewhere that Spock could not discern. Jim kissed Spock’s jaw. “I love you.”

Spock pulled Jim impossibly closer. He should probably not hold him so closely but he could not help it. The contact was something he greatly needed. More and more all the time. “I love you, too, ashayam.”

Perhaps once they returned to life aboard the Enterprise, Jim would settle into their relationship and begin to trust Spock more. He hoped so.  


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains very dark material that implies abuse. You have been warned.

Spock had been quiet when they entered the Starfleet issued temporary quarters they’d been given during their visit to Starfleet HQ. Really he’d been quiet since they left New Vulcan and came to San Francisco. He knew Spock was reluctant to leave Sarek, who had developed some sort of illness just before they’d left. Jim had assured Spock he could stay with his father as the Enterprise would not be ready for another month or so. But Spock had insisted on leaving with Jim.

They had officially logged in their new relationship with the brass when they’d arrived. There had been a few uncomfortable questions, mostly from Spock’s point of view, but in the end their remaining a command team had been approved. They would not be given shared quarters, however, unless they married or bonded and Jim knew neither of them was anywhere close to that right now. Jim was frankly content just to be allowed to refer to Spock as his “boyfriend”. It was a new concept he had never expected to have.

They’d had dinner with Uhura which had been pretty awkward from Jim’s standpoint. Spock’s romantic relationship with her hadn’t ended that long ago and he was very aware she was the safer choice over him. He did his best to give Spock whatever he wanted. He didn’t want to give Spock _any_ reason to regret his choice to be with Jim.

“You okay?” he asked Spock after he’d made himself a cup of tea in the kitchenette without really saying anything other than asking Jim if he’d wanted some also.

“Yes, Jim.” Spock hesitated. “But I do feel the need to meditate if that is acceptable.”

“Of course it is. Anything you want. The bedroom’s yours.”

“I do not want to put you out. If you are ready to sleep, I can meditate out here.”

“No, no. I’ll probably do some work.” Jim tried for a grin and based on Spock’s somewhat relieved expression, it was successful. He picked up the new PADD he’d obtained after the destruction of his old one and waved it. “I’ll sit here with my tea. It’s all good.”

“Very well. Thank you, Jim.”

His smile widened. “Thanks are not needed.”

Spock touched his fingers briefly to Jim’s and then he disappeared into the bedroom. Jim flopped down onto the couch and began to get to work.

The truth was he was absurdly tired. Really was. But he hadn’t wanted to make a fuss and he knew Spock preferred meditating in a closed room. And it was everything for Spock.

He finished his tea and tried to concentrate on the endless reports he still had to do even though they weren’t even up in space again yet. Transfer requests. Even transfers on to the Enterprise.

Jim started to yawn more and more, so he set the PADD down and spread himself out onto the couch. He’d close his eyes for just a few minutes.

 

_“James Tiberius Kirk.”_

_Jim froze at the sound of his name. He glanced at his group of friends. Thomas, Kevin. Allan and Peggy. He saw his fear reflected in their eyes._

_“James Tiberius Kirk. Step forward.”_

_Jim didn’t want to. He was paralyzed where he stood. What did this mean? What did they want with him? Was he…was he going to the chamber?_

_“James Tiberius—”_

_“This is him.” Someone grabbed onto his thin shoulder and pulled him forward. A guard. Jim recognized him. His name was Sterling and he was mean. Like most of those in the employ of Kodos. “Why didn’t you respond, Kirk?”_

_He pushed Jim forward toward the tall, heavy set man dressed in elaborately colored robes. He’d been the one calling Jim’s name._

_“James Tiberius Kirk?” the man asked, imperiously._

_“Y-yeah.”_

_“Come with me.” The man put both of his hands on Jim’s shoulders and led him into a lift. It rose up several floors, maybe ten, before stopping and opening up to a large office. Jim was completely confused. “Here.”_

_The man pushed Jim through a doorway into a smaller room where a bearded man stood. That man turned toward Jim._

_“I am Governor Kodos,” the man spoke. “You are James?”_

_Jim didn’t respond. Just stared at the man. He’d heard about him. Everyone was afraid of him. He’d ordered so many deaths. Was that why Jim was there?_

_“It’s him,” the man who brought him said. He smacked Jim on the head. “Answer the governor when he speaks to you, boy.”_

_Kodos looked from Jim to the man. “Leave us.”_

_The man left without a word and Jim was left alone with Kodos._

_“You are fortunate, James. Very few citizens are allowed to meet me or even see me.”_

_Jim said nothing._

_“In truth, you were on my list to dispense with.” Kodos smirked. “Would you like to see?”_

_“N-No.”_

_Kodos held a sort of clipboard in his hands. “Your aunt and uncle were eliminated, were they not?”_

_Jim licked his lips. “Yes,” he said in a small voice. Jim remembered when the guards came for them. He’d thought he would die too._

_“A pity. But I suppose you will not need them since you will have your stepfather.”_

_“What?”_

_Kodos smirked again. “You were spared because he paid for you, James. Paid for you to be among those saved. And handsomely. You must be very…special.”_

_The coldness began to crawl into Jim’s stomach. He wondered if it would have been better to be eliminated._

_“As I said, you are very fortunate.” Kodos turned toward a tray of food. “Come. Eat. I am sure you are hungry.”_

_Jim’s stomach turned over at the display of food being kept from the citizens. It was more than Jim had seen in months. And yet, he was hungry. So hungry._

_Kodos held out his hand. “Come, James.”_

_And then later, when he was finally off Tarsus IV, Jim found himself face to face with Frank again. He’d come to pick up Jim at the shuttle._

_“There you are, my boy,” Frank said, in that oily voice Jim so hated. He wrapped his arms around Jim and pulled him close, breathing in Jim’s neck. “I’m so glad to have you back.”_

_Jim tried to pull away but Frank wouldn’t let him. He continued to hold him, stroking his back now._

_“Your mother should never have sent you there. I told her. And as soon as I found out what was happening there, I made sure you would be safe. Because you’re mine.” Frank pulled away from Jim enough to look Jim in the face. “Isn’t that right?”_

_The words of the reply he knew Frank expected stuck in his throat._

_Frank stroked his hair back off his face. “It doesn’t matter if you answer, James. We both know you are.” He ran his thumb over Jim’s lips. “Such a beautiful thing, aren’t you? I’ve missed you.” He released Jim to reach into the pocket of his coat. “I have something for you.”_

_Jim dreaded whatever it was. He wanted nothing from Frank._

_He pulled out a black rose and handed it to Jim. “Your favorite. And there’s more. I’m going to take you shopping. You can have whatever you want. I’ll buy it for you. Anything. Everything. Because you deserve it.”_

_Jim took the rose because he had to. It was one Frank grew and cultivated himself. With no thorns. It was deceiving._

_Frank was smiling again, that sick smile that made Jim want to vomit. “I love how you look holding that rose. It suits you so well. I named it after you. The Tiberius rose.”_

_Jim nodded slowly._

_Frank’s hand caressed Jim’s cheek. “Come. We have so much time to make up for. So much time.”_

 

Jim woke with a scream that probably could have awakened the dead. He slipped off the couch to the floor as he scrambled to get away from the nightmare.

“Jim! Jim!” Spock was there, trying to talk to him.

_Jesus. Jesus_.

He rose to his feet, shaking and clammy with sweat. He ran his hands over his own body, trying to see if he was still all there or if he’d blown apart. It felt like he had.

“Jim, please. Talk to me. Jim.” He saw the pleading in Spock’s eyes. The Vulcan was frantic. And very pale.

“I—” He drew in a lungful of air. “I need to get out of here.”

“What?”

“Just-Just—” He grabbed the coat he’d slung over the back of a dining room chair when they’d first returned from dinner. He pulled it on. “I have to get out of here. Don’t-Don’t follow me.”

He made it an order and felt shitty afterward because of the look of devastation on Spock’s face. But he couldn’t let Spock see him like this. Couldn’t let Spock know just how fucked up he really was.

“I’m fine. I’ll be back.” He hurried from the Starfleet quarters and down to the city street. It was dark but he could see well enough. He just started walking, hand on his stomach, trying to quell the nausea.

He hadn’t had those dreams in forever. In forever. Fuck Frank. Fuck his mother.  Fuck the system for letting such a monster out.

He stopped at a fountain in a park, and vomited. He eased himself down on a park bench afterward. Staring at nothing. Feeling like the gigantic piece of shit he was.

Closing his eyes, Jim flipped open his communicator.

“Spock?”

“Jim?”

“I’m sorry. Can you-can you—”

A slight pause. “I am near your current location. I will be there in a moment.”

So Spock had followed him anyway. And though maybe he should be mad or something, he couldn’t be. All he could think was he would get to see Spock. Spock was coming.

He stood when he saw Spock come into the clearing of the park. Before he knew it, he was rushing at Spock, throwing himself into the Vulcan’s arms. And Spock was letting him, closing his arms around Jim.

“I’m sorry,” Jim whispered. “I’m sorry to be such a burden.”

Spock exhaled. “You are not.”

Except Jim knew he was. He had to work on that. Harder. Because Spock needed a reason to stay and Jim being this needy shit wasn’t going to be it.

“You had a nightmare?”

Jim nodded. “A bad one.”

“Do you wish to tell me?”

“No,” his throat hurt on the word, but he said it anyway. He pulled back and looked at Spock, who looked back without any judgment evident at all. “We should check on your dad.”

For a moment, Spock merely looked at Jim in this sort of Vulcany assessing way he had. Then he said softly, “Yes. You will return with me?”

Jim nodded, leaning up to kiss Spock softly on the mouth. “Thanks.”

Spock merely took Jim’s hand and led him from the park.   


	9. Chapter 9

“I’m fine, Spock. You should go.”

“I do not wish to leave you alone,” Spock replied.

They’d contacted Sarek and he had seemed worse. He had been admitted to a hospital. Jim wanted Spock to return to New Vulcan, because he was aware that Spock was concerned, but, of course, Spock continued to argue with him.

“I'll be fine on my own.” Jim had too many tasks to do before the Enterprise returned to the remainder of their five year mission to accompany Spock back to New Vulcan.

“There is too much work for you to do on your own. It was my intention to assist you,” Spock maintained stubbornly.

Jim shook his head and placed Spock’s suitcase on the bed of the apartment. “You’ll have your PADD with you, if I need you to do something I’ll let you know.”

“Jim.”

Jim went to the closet and began to choose Spock’s clothes to put in the suitcase. “I’d go with you if I could.”

“Without me here to assist you, you cannot sleep without nightmares disturbing your rest,” Spock pointed out.

Jim sighed. “No offense, Spock, but I managed to get sleep just fine before you and I became…whatever we are.”

Spock straightened at that, looking about as miffed as Spock ever did and Jim realized it was likely not a very smart thing to say. “You are questioning our relationship.”

“No, I’m not, it’s just—”

“You are. Do not lie.”

Jim shoved the clothes into the suitcase and ran his hand across his forehead. “It’s not that. I just…I don’t want to rely on you because…well because.”

“You think I will leave.”

Jim tried not to wince at the accusation in Spock’s voice. And anyway it was true.

He stared down into the half-packed suitcase. “Everyone does.”

“And because you think I will leave anyway you are forcing me to go,” Spock said quietly. He stepped over to Jim and grabbed onto Jim’s hands, bringing him closer. “Ashayam, I will not leave.”

“Don’t promise something you can’t keep.”

“Jim—”

“You were with Uhura and you were going to leave her. She didn’t matter enough to you to choose to stay.”

Spock pulled him closer until Jim felt like Spock would inhale him. He wasn’t opposed to that. Jim’s arms automatically came around Spock, closing over his back.

“While it is true that was my intention, I could not leave. And it was not because of Nyota. It was because of you.” Spock sucked in a breath and then slowly let it out. “You have no idea how I have longed for this. To finally have this-to be with you-I could never treat it so lightly as to leave. You are my las’hark.”

“I don’t want you to regret not being there for your dad,” Jim mumbled into Spock’s shoulder. “He’s all you have left.”

“He is not all.”

Jim pulled back to look into Spock’s eyes. “I know you’re concerned. I hate you worrying.”

“I would not wish my absence to add to your burden.”

Jim smiled. Or at least he thought he did. “It won’t. I promise. Just go see your dad. Make sure he’s all right. And come back.”

Those dark eyes bore into him like they could see into his soul, if he had one. “I will be back soon.”

“Okay.”

Spock leaned his forehead against Jim’s. Jim closed his eyes and snuggled closer. He could do this relationship thing. He could.

****

Spock had left half an hour ago to take a shuttle to New Vulcan. Jim had wanted to accompany him to the shuttle bay but Spock had insisted Jim stay at the apartment and rest.

Only Jim didn’t need rest.

He was restless.

Alone with his own thoughts. He’d tried working on the endless documents Starfleet sent him for the refit of the Enterprise, but he could not concentrate. He needed a drink. And after finishing the bottle of rum he had at the apartment, he still needed something.

He could feel. He wasn’t numb. And the voices were starting. He couldn’t afford to have the voices. No.

Jim tried to remember her contact information. It had been so long. She might not even be available anymore. Or maybe not alive. How would he know? But at least he remembered.

_I need you. Meet me?_

He messaged the address of the bar about half a block away and left for it.

The bar was crowded and noisy as hell and Jim regretted sending the message he’d sent. This would never work. Not here.

He found a seat recently vacated at the bar and ordered a whiskey, then sent another message. She hadn’t replied anyway.

_Never mind. Bad place. I’ll contact you tomorrow._

He was on his second drink when a leggy brunette took an empty stool next to him.

“This seat taken?” she asked with a sultry smile.

“No.”

_Monogamy._

_Monogamy._

“I haven’t seen you here before,” she said, after ordering a sweet, fruity drink. “I’d remember a guy like you.”

Jim narrowed his eyes at her. “You’re part Elasian.”

“How did you know?”

“I have some experience with them.”

“Pleasant I hope?”

Jim shook his head. “Actually no.”

She leaned in closer. “I’d love to change that. My place is only half a block up the street. You look like a guy who can really handle yourself.”

_“You’d make the perfect sex slave, wouldn’t you? You’re just so good at giving everyone exactly what they need. You’re all about pleasure. Giving it. Maybe that’s just what I should do with you, hmm? Make you my perfect pleasure-giving slave. Open that mouth of yours. Let’s get started.”_

Jim shook his head, looking away from her, and reached for his drink. He downed it.

“Did you hear what I said?” she demanded, her voice becoming a little shrill.

He licked his lips. “I have a boyfriend.”

“Yeah? Well, where is he then?”

“Off planet.”

Her hand landed on his leg. “Then he’ll never know, will he?”

Jim smirked and signaled for another drink. “He’d know.”

“I can make you forget him. I can make you scream,” she whispered close to his ear as her hand crept up his leg.

The truth was, he was fucking tempted. And that was a bad thing. Really bad.

“I’m really good at sucking cock.”

_“You give others pleasure. Make me come. You’re such a good boy.”_

 He dug the palms of his hands into his eyes, shaking his head. “No. Find somebody else.”

She pulled back, her hand slipping away, and she left the stool beside him without another word. He watched her moving off toward another guy at the opposite end of the bar.

_“Jimmy.”_

He reached for his drink. It was snatched away abruptly.

“You should lay off that.”

“Shit.” He stared at the woman who had just arrived. “I said to forget it.”

“I only just saw your second message.” She took his arm and pulled him off the stool. “Alcohol never solved anything, Jim.”

She was older now, like he would expect. Her once dark hair was lined with silver and put up in a bun. She was dressed in a sweat suit like maybe she’d come from working out.

“Let’s go. There’s a coffee shop two doors down. That’s more my speed.”

He allowed her to drag him out of the bar and to the coffee shop. He didn’t say anything else until they were seated and both of them had ordered coffee.

“I didn’t expect to hear from you again,” she admitted.

“I didn’t expect to have to contact you again,” Jim admitted. “Thanks for coming, doc.”

Dr. Mary Ridgley nodded. “I couldn’t stay away. Not after I got your message. Not after all this time.”

“You thought about me?”

“Of course. I always hoped I could have done more to help you.”

Jim shrugged. “You helped me more than the others.”

“Maybe.” She pursed her lips. “Why now?”

“He’s out.”

“Son of a bitch.” She grimaced. “But he wouldn’t have the guts to come near you again.”

“I think maybe he already has.” Jim shook his head and wrapped his hands around his coffee cup. “I’ve gotten some weird messages. And the voices…”

“They’re back?”

“A little. But mostly the nightmares. Only they aren’t made up dreams by my subconscious. The shit in them is real.”

“Have you contacted the authorities?”

“No. I checked it out myself. None of the messages can be traced to anyone. Or anywhere.”

“But maybe they can protect you.”

Jim snorted. “Right. They never did before. And I’m not a frightened kid anymore being raped by my stepfather. He comes near me, I’ll kill him.”

Dr. Ridgeley sighed. “I don’t practice anymore, Jim. I retired five years ago.”

“I don’t want to see a shrink. I just…I knew you’d understand more than anyone. Because you know all that shit that went down.”

“If you’re hearing voices—”

“They’re just memories playing in my head. Not real voices. I’ll be going back up in space soon anyway, so none of this will matter.”

“But if you’re psychologically unstable—”

“I’m not, doc,” Jim insisted. “And if the brass learns I’ve talked to a shrink about any of this, it’s possible they won’t even let me go up there. Hell, they don’t even _know_ this. You, my mother, Frank. Just a few. And that’s how is it has to stay. Okay?”

“But Jim, if your life’s in danger—”

“It’s not. He’s just playing games. Or someone is. And I’m not going to let him win. Not this time.” He received an alert and he pulled out his communicator. "It's my first officer. I need to take this." He got up from the booth and walked away. "Hey, honey. Did you arrive?"


	10. Chapter 10

Spock was uneasy.

It was not at all a pleasant feeling.

In general he tried to repress his feelings, and most especially unpleasant ones, but he’d never been as good at it as some of his fellow Vulcans and he suspected that was due to his half-human heritage.

When he’d been young, he’d very seriously considered Kolinahr. Researched it. Studied it. Practiced it. Meditated on it. Made assurance that his mother would not believe it had anything to do with her.

In the end, Spock had not done it.

There were times he wished he had. Times when feeling nothing would have been preferable to the pain. And yet…

He could not regret Nyota.

Though their romantic entanglements had ended, she was still a great friend to him. Their relationship had developed more into a sister-brother pairing and it offered them both comfort.

As for Jim…despite everything. Despite so much aching doubt within himself, and there was much of this, Jim was what held Spock together.

Jim was what held many of them together.

Spock was certain Jim didn’t even know that about himself. But it was true.

And for Spock it went so much deeper.

Giving himself so fully to such a human as enigmatic and energetic and emotional as Jim was had not been an easy choice for Spock. He’d had to quell his natural jealousy more than once because Jim drew females and males to him equally. And unlike his experiences with Nyota who quite happily rejected anyone who showed an interest in her other than Spock, Jim flirted right back. His natural charm could not be tamped down even by Vulcan will.

But Spock had expected to have to deal with all that. Jim’s cockiness. His exuberance. His ability to attract those who wished to claim him as Spock had. His brilliant mind that called to Spock.

What he had not been prepared for was the Jim he had. Subdued. Anxious. Tortured by nightmares he would not explain. Reckless. Unwilling to share even simple things with Spock. Jim was shutting him out more and more.

It frightened Spock in ways he had never expected.

Jim was it for him for the remainder of his days, of that he was certain. But it was becoming clearer to Spock that Jim was unwilling to be the mate Spock had always dreamed he’d have one day.

A dream he had barely acknowledged. Vulcans generally had their mates bonded to them as children. Spock hadn’t been bonded because other Vulcan families did not want someone with his “disadvantage”. It had been an impossible dream.

Though Spock loved Nyota, perhaps even more now than before, he had always known she was not the bondmate for him. They’d never even discussed it.

Jim was different. So very different from anyone Spock had known.

Hope had built.

“Spock.”

His father’s eyes were open and he was staring at him.

“Father. You are awake.”

“Obviously,” Sarek murmured. “Explain.”

“You are in the hospital on New Vulcan. You became ill with a virus native to this planet.”

“What is my current prognosis?”

“Better. You are expected to make a full recovery.  You should be released to return home in two days.”

His father nodded. “Where is Jim?”

“In San Francisco. He was unable to accompany me due to other obligations.”

“I see.” Sarek watched him for a while. “You are troubled.”

Spock almost immediately denied it. To admit something like that would surely be seen as a weakness to his father. But he found himself saying, “Yes.”

“I did hope you would find contentment in your choice of Jim. A Human mate can be challenging.”

“My discontent is based on his,” Spock replied. “I do not find having a Human mate troublesome. I had prior experience with Nyota.”

“You believe Jim is unhappy?”

“Yes. I know he is.”

“Because of you?”

Spock could not meet his father’s gaze as he shook his head. “I am uncertain.”

“Your mother found it difficult to adapt to a Vulcan spouse. Especially in the early stages of our relationship, but eventually she adjusted and was content. I am certain your Jim will also.”

Spock merely nodded.

“From what I viewed, I did not detect any lack of affection. Have you spoken with him about it?”

“I have made attempts to be subtle with my queries as Jim tends to close off when confronted with something he does not wish to talk about. But I may need to take a more direct approach before long.”

“Affirmative.”

Spock could see his father was tiring, so he excused himself with the promise to check on him later and went to contact Jim.

When he had arrived on New Vulcan he had made certain Jim knew. Their conversation had been brief but Spock detected a note of sadness in Jim’s voice that had concerned him.

So much so that Spock had contacted Dr. McCoy.

_“I think he’s fine, Spock. But if you want I can check on him. It won’t take too long to make it to San Francisco.”_

_“It is not my intention to have you cut your own visit with your daughter short, Leonard. I am no doubt overthinking things.”_

_“Sure, I bet that’s it. This is new for you both. Jim probably just misses you. He’ll be fine. No, Joanna, not that. Listen, I have to go, Spock. But if there’s anything else that comes up, let me know.”_

_“Thank you, Doctor.”_

This time Spock decided to contact Jim through a terminal so he could see for himself how Jim was.

When Jim appeared on the screen, Spock’s pulse increased against his will. He suspected he would always react this way to the sight of Jim. He was beautiful and also Spock was, admittedly, a little besotted. He didn’t know when that had happened but it had been a long time.

“Hi sweetheart.” Jim’s voice was so soft someone without Vulcan hearing would have had to strain to hear.

“Ashayam.”

Jim smiled at that and leaned back in his chair. “How’s your dad?”

“Much improved. He will be released the day after tomorrow.”

“That’s great news.”

“Are you at home?” Spock hoped he was. He did not like the idea of Jim wandering around without company and he could not explain why. Or perhaps he was worried Jim would find company. And Spock did not like to think about that. It was unfair and yet he did have doubts.

“Yeah. Early night. I had dinner at a little café and then came home.”

“With who?”

Jim’s smile faltered slightly. “No one. Just me.”

Spock did not want Jim to be lonely. And yet… “I am coming home tomorrow.”

“You don’t have to rush. If your dad—”

“He will be well. And I find myself desirous of your company.”

“Yeah?” Jim’s smile brightened. “I miss you too.” He picked up a cup and brought it up to his lips. “I’m even drinking your tea.”

“You must miss me then.”

“You have no idea.” Jim leaned forward and touched the screen with his fingers. “I wish I was kissing you right now. I’d even settle for Vulcan kisses.”

“Tomorrow, I will give you as many Vulcan kisses as you can stand.”

“Promise?”

“I do. Human kisses too.”

“Okay good.”

“Jim?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you…”

“Spock?”

“The nightmares—”

Jim’s expression immediately shuttered. “I’m fine. Okay? Don’t worry.”

There was a twist in Spock’s side. “Jim—”

“I should go. I’m sure you have a lot to do if you’re coming home tomorrow.”

Spock forced himself to nod. “Very well. I lo—”

The screen went blank.


	11. Chapter 11

When Spock arrived at their temporary home, Jim was not at the apartment. In fact, there was no sign he’d even been there in hours. Since Spock had notified Jim via message when he would be returning, Spock was both surprised and displeased by this.

In fact, as he set his small travel bag down in the foyer, he noticed Jim’s PADD sitting on the sofa table. With a frown, Spock went over to it and picked it up. There was his message and it appeared to be unread.

Spock knew what he was about to do was very un-Vulcan-like and he acknowledged that to himself. He opened Jim’s PADD. He noticed the strange message right away and it was clear that this one Jim had accessed. And it came in the middle of the night, long after Jim had disconnected their conversation.

_I have a hold on you that you cannot escape._

Cryptic to say the least. Jim made no response and Spock was unable to determine the sender. He returned Jim’s PADD to where it had been on the table.

He had already tried to reach Jim on his communicator with no success. If Jim had it with him, he was clearly ignoring Spock.

And he did not know why.

****

“I was surprised to hear from you this soon,” Nyota said as she inserted the straw into her mouth and sipped on her frosty blue beverage.

Spock had arranged to meet for lunch when he could not ascertain Jim’s whereabouts. In truth, he needed someone to speak to about the situation with Jim and he was uncertain where to turn.

Jim was close to only a chosen few. Dr. McCoy, of course, was the closet. But he was currently visiting his daughter until the Enterprise returned to space. There was Spock himself. And perhaps Mr. Scott. Spock currently was uncertain where the engineer was, but he did not think Scott would be much help with Jim in this instance. And he didn’t feel comfortable sharing intimate details with Scott. Or perhaps anyone.

“I had more free time than I anticipated.”

“How’s your dad?”

“Much improved, I thank you for the query.” Spock picked up the cup containing his spiced tea and attempted to distract himself with the treasured taste of it. It was not terribly successful. He set the cup on the table in the restaurant.

Nyota was watching him carefully. “Where’s Kirk?”

Spock hesitated. His stomach was churning. His mind was disordered. He gripped the edge of the table in order to steady the tremors in his hands. “I do not know.”

“Wait. What? I thought you two were together.”

“We are. When I returned from New Vulcan, he was not in our apartment. I have been unable to reach him.”

“Spock, what’s really going on?” she asked sharply.

“There is some…transition time involved with our relationship change.”

“You’re having trouble? I thought this is what you both wanted.”

“It is what I want, yes,” Spock said firmly.

She sighed. “What you want. You sound uncertain about him.”

Spock looked away. “He is troubled.” He shook his head. “I should not speak of such things to you.”

“Why not?”

“Or anyone. Vulcans do not disclose such things to—”

“Outsiders? Spock, I’m not an outsider. I’m your friend. Still. Aren’t I?”

He swallowed heavily. “Yes. But as my former paramour, I thought perhaps discussing this might be uncomfortable for you.”

“It appears to be uncomfortable for you.” She reached across the table and set her hand over his. “I don’t want to make this awkward for you. I know you love Jim, perhaps even more than you should, I don’t know. But I also believe that he cares a great deal for you. Don’t take this the wrong way, Spock, but sometimes he can be insensitive and obtuse.”

“Nyota—”

“I love and respect him both as my captain and a friend,” she said quickly. “But I know his faults too. Whatever you’re going through with him, I don’t think it’s intentional on his part. He’s just going about business the way he always does.”

Spock released a held breath. “He received an odd message while I was away.”

“Oh?”

“I have a hold on you that you cannot escape.” Spock stared down at his mostly untouched tea. “I have no idea what it means.”

****

It was night when Spock found him.

He’d managed to trace the signal for his communicator.

Jim was laying in an alley, in a pool of what was likely his own vomit. There were traces of what appeared to be dried seminal fluid on his face and hair. When Spock knelt beside him, he’d opened his eyes and stared dazedly at Spock.

“Just leave me,” Jim whispered.

“Jim—”

“I’ve done bad things, Spock. Terrible things.”

“You-you are injured. I must get you medical care.” He took out his communicator.

Tears filled Jim’s eyes. “I’m sorry.”

Spock gave the orders for the location for Jim.

“They are coming,” he assured his captain.

When Spock went to lay his hands on him, Jim shrank back.

“No. Don’t. I don’t deserve your touch.”

Spock let his arms fall to his side. “How long have you been in this alley?”

“I don’t know. Last night?” Jim shook his head. He closed his eyes, and a tear leaked onto his cheek. “You-you should leave me.”

“I will not.”

Jim’s eyes opened. “Spock, please.”

“I am not and will not leave you,” Spock insisted. “Be silent. Rest until they arrive.”

“But Spock—”

Fingers shaking, Spock pressed them to Jim’s face, ignoring his whines of protest. Overwhelming pain and grief hit Spock so hard if he had been standing his knees would have surely buckled. Jim’s blood was tainted with illicit substances. Spock fought against their pull even as he took on some of Jim’s physical distress.

He could hear the arrival of the medical personnel as Jim drifted into unconsciousness.


	12. Chapter 12

He woke to voices that were attempting to whisper but failing.

He could hear them anyway.

“We have to be careful here, Spock. They’re talking about taking away Jim’s command and if you think he’s fucked up now just imagine how he’ll be if they do that to him.”

“I understand, Doctor. But Jim’s welfare is of vital importance and I must be sure he gets whatever treatment he requires.”

“I’ve been taking care of Jim for years, longer than anyone else, I’ve known him longer too, than you have, and I can handle this.”

There was silence suddenly and then Spock said, even more softly, “He is awake.”

It was Bones’ face that first appeared, hovering over him. But he could see Spock right beside him.

“Where am I?” Jim asked, because it was the sort of thing expected of him. He figured he was in a hospital.

“Starfleet medical, Jim. You’re going to be fine,” Bones said. He was dressed in white scrubs that reminded him way too much of the time Jim had awakened after being dead.

“Weren’t you visiting your daughter?”

Bones leaned further over him, putting his hand on Jim’s face, stroking his hair. “I’m back now. How do you feel? Pain anywhere?”

Jim looked past Bones to Spock who looked as though he might collapse from stress any minute. It was not a normal look for Spock. It was concerning.

“Just a little head pain.” He pushed at Bones. “Let me see, Spock.”

Bones made a snorting sound but he moved out of the way, muttering something that sounded like, “typical”.

Spock replaced Bones and instantly reached for Jim’s hand. Over Spock’s shoulder, Jim could see Bones preparing hypos.

“How’s your dad?” Jim asked, wrapping his fingers around the palm of Spock’s hand.

“He is doing well. Jim—”

Jim shook his head, his gaze flicking to Bones.

“Doctor, will you give the captain and myself a moment alone?”

“Oh, sure. Why pay any attention to me? I’m just his treating doctor.”

“Bones.”

He threw Jim a look that definitely meant he was not happy to be dismissed, even temporarily, but he left the hospital room.

When Bones was gone for at least thirty seconds, Jim sighed. “Did you want to discuss the alley?”

Spock stared at Jim for several seconds more. “I do wonder how and why you ended up there.”

“I meant what I said, Spock. I’ve done terrible things.”

For a moment, Spock’s gaze flittered away from Jim and Jim’s heart began to pound faster. When his gaze returned to Jim, his dark eyes were somehow more distant.

“You did have certain fluids on your person when I located you in the alley.”

Jim’s heart sank as he moistened his lips. “I-I don’t know what to say.”

“Then…you were unfaithful?”

“Honestly? I don’t remember. It’s all kind of fuzzy.”

“I see.” Spock paused. “What do you recall?”

“I went to the bar to get numb,” Jim admitted.

“Was it because of the message you received?”

Jim insides went cold. “You-you read my messages?”

“Yes.”

“Spock.” He closed his eyes, shook his head, and then opened his eyes again. Now he was angry. “You had no right.”

“I was concerned as you were missing.”

“Those are private.”

Spock did not react to that, at least not visibly. But he did nod. “Very well. I apologize for crossing that line.” He took a tiny step back. “I request to know the meaning of ‘I have a hold on you that you cannot escape’.”

Jim began to feel panic welling up inside him. He could not let Spock know. Not that. Never that. No. What would Spock think? He would be hated as the piece of shit he was. No. He couldn’t. He couldn’t.

“I…was playing an online game,” Jim said carefully. “That was just a message from one of my opponents.”

Spock stared silently for so long that Jim’s panic began to increase tenfold. And the instruments he was hooked up to started to beep.

Spock’s eyes widened then and Bones came rushing in.

“What the devil happened in here?” Bones demanded as he started scanning Jim. “Spock, go somewhere.”

“Doctor—”

“Now, Spock. Let me do my job.”

Spock turned, his back ramrod straight, and exited the room.

“You didn’t have to make him leave,” Jim said softly, as Bones injected his neck with a hypo.

“Oh, sure. He wasn’t the cause of your vitals going all over the place.”

“He wasn’t. It’s not his fault, Bones. It’s mine. I’m the one who fucked up.”

Bones looked a little relieved when Jim’s vitals began to go back to normal. “What the hell were you doing in that place, Jim?”

“It was stupid,” Jim muttered.

Bones looked at him and then sighed. “Yeah. You had alcohol and drugs in your systems.”

“I don’t remember much. Bones?”

“Yeah?”

Jim didn’t know how to ask. Not without embarrassing both of them. But, well…”Was there any sign of sexual…intercourse?”

“No.” Bones didn’t meet his eyes. “You had semen in your hair and face though.”

He blew out a breath. “I think I sort of remember some dude coming into the alley after I collapsed there and shooting himself all over me.”

“Jesus, Jim.”

Jim grimaced. “Spock thinks I…” He let it hang there. Couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence.

“You want me to talk to him?”

“No,” Jim whispered. “I’ll handle it.”

Bones sat on the edge of the bed. “And how exactly do you plan to handle it?”

“I don’t know. Probably tell him he’s better off with someone other than me.”

“Oh, for corn’s sake.”

“When can I get out of here?”

Bones narrowed his eyes. “I guess I can release you. But only into Spock’s care. And no arguments.”

“Are they really going to take my command away?”

“No. You just had something that didn’t agree with you and ended up in the hospital. You’re good.”

Jim smiled a little. “Is that the official report?”

“It is.”

His smile faded. “I can’t wait to get back up there. Things will be better than.” He looked to Bones for confirmation. “Right?”

Bones squeezed his leg. “Sure. Sure they will.”


	13. Chapter 13

Jim was silent as Spock escorted him from the hospital back to the apartment. It was a brooding, worrisome sort of silence. The kind that usually concerned Spock the most. It did not bode well.

Spock needed to meditate. His mind had been disordered ever since he’d discovered Jim missing from their apartment upon his return from New Vulcan and finding him in the alley of a seedy establishment had only increased his mental distress.

But meditation would elude him for now. His priority had to be getting Jim settled in.

There was a distance in Jim’s eyes that chilled Spock as they entered the apartment. He was already uneasy with regard to Jim’s commitment to their relationship.

“If you will have a seat on the couch, I will prepare some tea,” Spock said quietly as he took Jim’s coat and hung it up in the closet.

Very soon they would be returning to the newly rebuilt Enterprise and this apartment would be abandoned to their next renters. They would find someplace else when their exploring space days had ended. Because Spock was unable to think in anything other than permanent terms. Even in the face of Jim’s cold behavior.

Jim did sit without argument, but his posture was much stiffer than was normal for him. Spock made himself busy with the tea.

Spock had never expected to be in this position. To realize he would accept anything just to be by this human’s side. Even Jim being unfaithful, if that is what happened. It was painful to be this needy, this pathetic, but Spock could not deny the feelings, the desire to forgive anything. Such vulnerability was anathema to him.

He finished the tea and brought a cup over to Jim, who took it without so much as looking at Spock.

Spock sat in the chair beside him. “How are you feeling?”

“Spock,” Jim whispered.

“Yes, Jim?”

“We-we need to talk.”

A ball of ice formed in Spock’s stomach. He didn’t know what to say so he remained silent.

“I think this isn’t going to work.”

Spock’s vision dimmed. “This?”

“Us.”

He looked to Jim, watched as his tongue darted out to trace his lips. The distance in his eyes was still there but there was also something beyond them…devastation so potent Spock could both see it and feel it.

“I’m not capable of-of doing this kind of thing. And you deserve someone better than me,” Jim continued, heedlessly. “Maybe you and Uhura could reconcile or—”

“You are attempting to end our relationship and you are actually suggesting that I pursue my broken relationship with Nyota.”

“Or you could go to New Vulcan as you planned before—”

“No,” Spock cut in.

Jim stopped and stared. “What?”

“I will not allow your fear to destroy us,” Spock said softly. “And that is what this is. You are attempting to run away or push me away. You will not be successful.”

“Spock, but you’d be—”

Spock moved from the chair to kneel before Jim. He took Jim’s hands in his. “Ashaya.”

“Spock, I’m a terrible person.”

“You are not. You are flawed, yes. If this is about the state I found you in the alley than I can assure you that I accept your moment of weakness.”

Jim visibly swallowed. “I didn’t fuck anyone. I know it seemed that way and I can’t exactly remember, but Bones said I wasn’t penetrated.”

“It does not matter,” Spock said, attempting to reassure him.

“It does matter. I think you deserve someone way better than me—no let me finish—but I swear I don’t want anyone else. Not like you, not that way. I don’t know what happened that night exactly, but anything that did was without my consent.”

Spock nodded. “Very well. Now, will you stop attempting to break up with me?”

“You deserve—”

“You.” Spock rubbed his thumb across the back of Jim’s hand. “I will accept nothing less and no one else.”

Jim smiled very slightly. It didn’t reach his eyes, but they were no longer distant, just devastated which was completely unacceptable but Spock did not know how to change that.

“I do love you so,” Jim said softly. “Even if I wish sometimes that I didn’t.”

It was a hard thing to hear, but understandable even still. At times Spock wished Jim was not so blunt, but it was illogical to want for that.

Instead he could only nod his understanding of the sentiment for Jim’s regret.

“I love you as well,” he said. He could not say that he wished he did not for Vulcans did not lie. “Are you in need of nourishment at present?”

“No. Just…hold me?”

Spock rose from kneeling before Jim and took his place next to him on the couch. He drew Jim into his arms and tried to ignore how very badly Jim was shaking. Jim was not all right at all, that much was obvious. Spock had tried putting such thoughts out of his mind, constantly assuring himself all would be well. But to what end?

Jim leaned into him and closed his eyes. His shaking eased some but not entirely. And Spock’s mind continued to cry out for meditation.


	14. Chapter 14

_“Come here, boy.”_

_“No,” Jim whispered. His stomach roiled, the meal he’d just eaten of meatloaf and mashed potatoes sitting in his gut like a rock. He watched with sick dread as Frank’s hand squeezed the bulge in his greasy work pants._

_Frank eyed him dispassionately. “You know you have to earn that food I feed you. Don’t I keep you well fed since you returned from that Godforsaken wasteland where you almost starved to death?”_

_Jim just stared at him. His hands now gripped the edge of the dining room table, his knuckles turning white._

_“Answer me,” Frank demanded._

_Jim desperately blinked away the tears threatening to unman him. Not in front of Frank. Please._

_“You’re so weak, aren’t you, boy?” Frank’s voice had turned mocking. “Still nothing but skin and bones. I made your favorites, didn’t I? I didn’t have to. Could have just thrown you a box of cereal and you’d have eaten it.” He smirked. “This is your own fault, Jim. You’re such a pretty boy. If you weren’t, this wouldn’t happen.”_

_Jim thought of the knife he kept under his pillow in his room. If he slashed his face maybe then—_

_“Come here.”_

_“No. Please.”_

_“Come. Here.”_

_“I-I don’t want to,” Jim whispered, his throat closing._

_Frank laughed. “What you want doesn’t matter. Haven’t I told you that a hundred times before **. Come. Here**. I am not going to tell you again.”_

_A tear fell down Jim’s cheek. He wiped at it angrily and rose from his chair._

 

Jim woke up, panting heavily. His heart beating so fast he thought maybe he was having an attack. Sort of hoped he was.

“Jim,” Spock spoke groggily from beside him, beginning to stir.

“Go back to sleep, Spock,” Jim said. “It’s okay.”

Spock sort of murmured but then ceased to move, so with more than a little relief, Jim slipped out of bed. He grabbed his jeans and shirt on the way out of the bedroom.

These nightmares were getting ridiculous, even for him. Damn his mother. Damn Frank. And damn himself for that matter. Fucking coward is what he was.

The living room was nothing but shadows and just for a moment his heart stilled, thinking one of the shapes was a monster. Like he was a little boy in Riverside again. Monsters were real, he knew that. But his vision shifted and the shadow was nothing but a couch.

He dressed and then went to the sliding glass door that led to the balcony and out onto it. The night was a little cool but Jim welcomed it because it meant he wasn’t completely numb. Although more often than not, that was preferable.

He tried to tell himself that things would be better soon. Tomorrow he’d be meeting with some of the crew, his friends, actually, and then after that back on the Enterprise, at last. He could make it that long, right?

Jim walked to the railing and looked down at the street below.

Sammy…well he’d been Frank’s punching bag, hadn’t he? Over and over Frank would send his fists into Jim’s brother. He would never forget the sound of bones crunching or Sammy’s cries. And yet…if only that was what Frank did to him. When Sammy was around, Frank tempered the abuse Jim suffered. He had two step kids to torture. But when Sam was gone…there was Jim. And Jim got to be Frank’s whore.

_“Your mama’s not around so I guess I have to fuck you.”_

Jim sucked in a breath. He hated this. Hated that it was all coming back. That Frank was coming back.

If he-he jumped it would be all over. Just lift himself over the railing and let himself fall. He wouldn’t feel anything anymore. Would he feel his brains bashing onto the street below? Maybe. But after that—

But his luck, he’d somehow survive. He’d end up paralyzed. Just lying there for anyone to do whatever they wanted.

Should he take that chance? Just end it. Spock would make a better captain anyway.  

Jim closed his eyes and swallowed.

Yeah. Everyone would be better off without him. Him most of all.

“Jim?”

He opened his eyes to see Spock standing very close. He’d never even heard him come out onto the balcony.

“Hi.”

“What are you doing?” Spock’s tone was a little clipped but also with a vague trace of panic. It was an odd combination.

“Getting air.” Jim turned away from the railing. Any attempts at ending it foiled for now. Spock had pulled on one of his heaviest sweaters and he looked, Jim could not deny, adorably rumpled. “Had a bad dream. Didn’t want to wake you.”

“Will you come back to bed?”

He shook his head. “Actually I think I need a walk.”

Spock hesitated and then reached for Jim’s hand, drawing him close. “I will accompany you.”

Jim forced a smile. “Sounds good.”

Spock drew him back into the apartment. All the lights were on and so all shadowy monsters had disappeared. Jim looked forward to never seeing this apartment again, actually.

“You will need a coat,” Spock declared, fetching both of them coats from the closet.

They made their way out of the apartment and down to the street below and for a second, Jim stopped to look at the exact spot he imagined his brains would be splattered. He was aware of Spock staring at him.

He turned and smiled.

“You know you can tell me anything, Jim.”

“Yeah, I do.”

_No, I can’t._

They started walking, rather aimlessly, actually.

“I like the city at night.”

“Indeed?”

“I can see the stars,” Jim said. “I like the stars.”

“Very soon you will be up there again, exploring with me,” Spock said softly. “And with the others.”

“Yes. I’ll be safe,” he said, before he could stop himself. And then he almost covered his mouth with his own hand.

“Safe from what, Jim?”

Of course Spock would have noticed and not just ignored it. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his coat. Shrugged.

“Just you know. Stuff.”

“I do not know.”

Jim shook his head unhappily. “San Francisco’s just a little too close to Riverside sometimes. That’s all.”

Spock didn’t respond at first and Jim was certain he was somehow calculating how to ask some highly personal question Jim did not want to answer. But finally his stoic Vulcan murmured, “I see.”

Jim could breathe again. Thankfully. He looped his arm with Spock’s and they continued their walk with neither of them speaking. Jim was grateful even if he could tell that Spock wanted to say something but held back. Jim would take it as a victory, however small.  


	15. Chapter 15

Spock bit Jim’s back, just below the nape of his neck, as he thrust one last time inside Jim, pouring into his clenching channel. He clutched Jim to him as wave after wave of his orgasm hit him, drawing out reluctant but heartfelt cries.

Jim pressed back against him, his sweat slicked back flush against Spock’s chest. It was almost too much, as his spent and over-sensitized cock, slipped from Jim’s hole. They’d been in bed all morning, having returned to it after their walk the previous night. Jim had not wanted to sleep, but he was willing to indulge in sexual play and indulge they had, seemingly for hours.

He’d lost track of the number of times he’d found release but he knew for Jim it had been far less times, because he had been most reluctant to allow Spock to see to his needs. Most of the morning, when Spock went to touch Jim’s erection, Jim would distract Spock with more touching until Spock was lost to being inside Jim again.

As Spock turned over on to his back, trying to catch his breath, he noticed Jim was trying to scoot out of bed.

“Wait. Jim.”

Jim, who was now sitting up, glanced back over his shoulder at Spock. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Spock forced himself to say past the lump already forming in his throat. “But you are still aroused and I wish to—”

Jim frowned, his eyebrows furrowing. “You want to fuck me again?”

As if Spock could.

“No. But you are—”

Jim waved his hand impatiently. “Forget about it.”

“Jim.”

“We’re already running late to meet everyone for lunch, Spock. It’s no big deal.” Jim stood and gave him a crooked grin. “We’ll make up for it later. Tonight probably. You can fuck me as much as you want.” He squeezed Spock’s ankle and then headed straight to the bathroom without allowing Spock to say anything else.

Spock swallowed heavily and closed his eyes.

He was doing something wrong. That much was clear. His sexual relationship with Jim was most satisfying. For Spock. But clearly he lacked whatever it took to satisfy Jim.

It was not as though Jim never orgasmed. But it was not often and almost never when Spock was in direct contact with Jim’s penis. Most of the time when Spock tried to touch Jim, he was pushed away. Clearly he wasn’t doing it right.

Spock had touched himself before. It was never something a Vulcan would admit to doing, but yes, Spock had experimented with masturbation, even before he’d first become sexually active with others. He’d believed his methods of pleasuring others were reliable and Nyota had never complained that he lacked skill.

But Nyota was nothing like Jim.

In so many ways.

And he knew that was not fair to either of them. But since they were the two humans Spock had very intimate experience with, he could not help but compare them on occasion.

Jim brought out far more powerful feelings of sexual arousal in Spock than Nyota ever had. As well as possessiveness and jealousy. These were not positive feelings in Spock’s estimation, but they were true nevertheless.

Nyota had never made Spock jealous, and in fact had gone out of her way to reassure Spock that he was the focus of her affection.

Jim was entirely different. He used flirtation as a method to negotiate and seemed to enjoy the amorous attentions of others. Sometimes it was as though he flirted to incite Spock’s jealousy. And yet…Spock always felt that beneath that flirtatious teasing and need to incite Spock was deep underlying insecurity.

Nyota had been anything but insecure.

When Spock watched Jim put his hands on the arm of some attractive dignitary or Starfleet personnel, Spock had to stop himself from physically removing Jim’s hands. He found this behavior extremely troubling. Jim was not his. He was allowed to touch whomever he pleased.

Only he was not.

But more disturbing than any of this was that Spock was at a complete loss at how to deal with Jim.

Spock had meant it when he told Jim he would not go anywhere. He truly believed he would not. And still doubts plagued him.

Admittedly, he had been foolish to think that uniting with Jim in a romantic relationship would make him content. Spock had assumed, falsely, that it would. For so long he had lived with being in love with his captain in secret. He’d kept these emotions buried deeply so that Nyota would not guess but also so that he himself would not have to acknowledge them.

The first crack had come when Jim had died behind the glass in engineering. But once McCoy had used Khan’s blood to bring Jim back, Spock had been able to bury those unwelcome affections deeper still.

Acknowledging and embracing them openly had brought Spock a sense of unexpected relief. But now…that was gone.

The more deeply he fell under Jim’s spell, as illogical as it was to compare it to some mythical magic, the more Jim distanced himself from Spock. He didn’t even know if Jim did it consciously. The result was the same in either case.

He’d been hopeful of one day bonding with Jim in the way of Vulcans, as his own parents had been, but now that hope seemed impossible. Jim wouldn’t even share sexual intimacies with Spock, how would he share Spock’s mind intimately?

There was no one he could talk to about his problems with Jim. Certainly not Jim himself. The doctor was unfailingly on Jim’s side and would no doubt find inquiries into Jim’s mental and emotional state unwelcome. Nyota would attempt to assist him with analysis, but as Spock’s own former lover, she could not help but find conversations about her replacement awkward. And Spock would feel uncomfortable sharing his disquiet with Nyota himself.

Spock had never been able to have such conversations with his father. He would not start now. And his mother, his very wise and wonderful mother, well…she was gone. Her loss was something he most definitely continued to feel keenly.

Even Spock’s counterpart was gone. The ambassador would have some unique insight into James Kirk, surely. But that avenue was also no longer available.

He became aware he had been sitting on the bed doing nothing for a number of minutes when the bathroom door opened and Jim emerged, dressed in black jeans and a tight black T-shirt, drying his hair with a towel. He cocked his head at Spock.

“Anything wrong?”

Spock could not lie but he could not at present convey his unease without causing even more problems between them. “My mind is disordered,” he replied, rising from the bed. “But there is not time for meditation, because, as you said, we are already running behind schedule.”

He saw the immediate concern flash in Jim’s eyes. “You want me to cancel?”

“Negative. I will meditate when we are finished. You have been looking forward to lunch.”

“Only because it’s going to be the last normal meal we have together for a while. Going back up in the Enterprise with all that replicated food—”

“Indeed. So I will clean up quickly and be ready to go.”

As Spock passed Jim by, Jim’s lips curved into a tiny smile. He held out his index and middle fingers for Spock and though Spock was frankly, at this point, reluctant to meet them, he did so. He ignored how his uncertainty increased and instead dropped his fingers from Jim’s and headed into the bathroom to clean himself up.

****

“Hey, are you okay?” Nyota asked him, taking him aside as they started to break up from lunch. “You’re even more quiet than usual.”

“As I understand the question, my response would be no.”

Nyota glanced to where Jim stood, smiling and gesturing wildly with his hands to Dr. McCoy. “Did you want to go somewhere?”

That she had guessed he continued to be plagued with problems involving Jim made Spock realize he was not as good at hiding his inadequacies as he had believed.

“I doubt that you would wish to—”

“We’re friends, right?”

“Yes.” Spock looked at Jim. “But you are also my former paramour.”

She gave him a very patient smile as she shook her head. “We were friends first. And we’re friends now.”

“I do not have many friends,” Spock found himself inexplicably admitting.

Her eyes softened. “That’s not true.”

“Is it not? There is you, there is Leonard, who is really more Jim’s friend, and there is Jim. Who is much more.”

 “And the very one you want to talk about, right?” She put her hand on his arm. “I do think you aren’t giving Leonard enough credit. But did you want to go for tea?”

Spock did. He knew he should not. It was weak, surely. And talking with Nyota about Jim had all the issues he had already thought about.

But tomorrow they would be boarding the Enterprise and he’d have even less time to speak with Nyota, at least for a while.

“He will not be pleased,” Spock said softly.

“Surely he’s not jealous of our friendship?”

“I honestly do not know. I meant more specifically that he will be returning to the apartment alone.”

And for that matter, did Spock want Jim to be alone? There was something about Jim’s recent behavior that was more than a little concerning. But he could hardly watch his captain constantly.

 Nyota patted his arm and then walked over to Jim, touching his shoulder for his attention. He paused in his conversation and looked at her. She smiled. “Sorry to interrupt, Captain. But can I borrow Spock for a bit? There’s a new tea place that I’d really like him to try before tomorrow. Maybe purchase some. You don’t mind, do you?”

Jim looked past her to Spock, but his expression gave nothing away. He merely smiled. “Sure. Take your time.”

“If you’d like to go with us—” She offered.

“No, it’s fine. I’ve got some last minute reporting to do before the launch tomorrow,” Jim said. “And anyway, Bones is coming by for a drink.”

Spock felt some relief that the doctor would be there with Jim, so without further reason not to, he accompanied Nyota to a teashop they had been to many times before.

“Yeah, I know, I said it was new, but I figured it made a good excuse,” Nyota said with a laugh as they entered the shop.

“I do not like lying to Jim.”

“You didn’t. I did.” She found them a table and then went to order a pot of tea for them.

When she returned, Spock said, “I am still uncertain about the wisdom of this.”

“What are you worried about?”

“You and I were in a long-term serious romantic relationship. It has been brought to my attention more than once, including by yourself, that you may find the subject matter troubling.”

Nyota huffed. “Well, that was a long winded way of saying I might not want to talk about your new boyfriend.”

Spock arched a brow.

“It’s fine, Spock. And I offered, didn’t I? Besides. I care about both of you.” She stirred honey into her tea. “Is this still about that weird message he received?”

“That is a small part of it. And he refused to explain that message.” Spock paused. “Not refused, but brushed it off as something entirely unbelievable.”

“Jim is not having an affair, Spock.”

“I do not believe he is,” Spock agreed. “But there are many things he is keeping from me. And they are affecting his health.”

“If he’s suffering physically—”

“Mentally and emotionally. As a Vulcan, it is difficult for me to fulfill his emotional needs.” Spock looked away. He did not find it pleasant to discuss his own shortcomings. And not being able to assist Jim as a mate should most certainly did qualify. “Made more so by his insistence on distancing himself from me.”

“Have you talked to him about any of this?”

“I have tried. All attempts are met with obstinance. I recognize the signs of depression and despondency in him, yet he will not share anything with me. He does not sleep properly and is awakened by nightmares but he will not even share their content with me.” Spock looked down at his own twisted hands. “Last night I found him on the balcony of the apartment and I…”

“What?” she urged when he did not continue.

His gaze rose to hers. “For a moment I believed it was his intent to jump.”

Her eyes widened and she raised her hand to her mouth.

“The moment passed and I was unsure if I imagined it. We went for a walk after and he seemed better for a time. Today, prior to lunch, we spent time engaged in intimate activities.” Spock dropped his gaze again, hoped he was not blushing. “But I do not make him happy.”

“Oh, Spock, surely that is not true.”

“You have not seen how he is.” He shook his head. “I cannot discuss this further. It is too much.”

She did not respond at first and then she put her hand on his. “I won’t insist that you do. But I will say that I definitely think you should speak to Jim about it.”

“I have tried,” Spock said softly. “The words get tangled in my mind and he does not wish to discuss it.” He stared at his tea, now growing cold. “I thought that we would bond, that I would spend the rest of my life with him, and that he wanted the same, now, I am conflicted about everything. I once considered Kolinahr and to be truthful I have thought not completing it may have been the gravest error on my part.”

Nyota was quiet for so long that eventually Spock had no choice but to raise his gaze to her once more.

“You can’t run from your feelings or make them not exist, Spock. And you can’t just walk away from Jim. We both know you can’t. You love him.”

He did not reply, but they both knew the truth of it.

****

When he returned to the apartment, he found Jim sitting on the couch alone. He held no PADD or even a drink in his hand. He was merely sitting there in the semi-darkness as evening fell.

“Doctor McCoy departed?”

“Oh, yeah, a while ago. How was your tea? Did you buy any?”

“Affirmative.” Spock took the seat next to Jm. “Are you well?”

Jim smiled. “Of course I am. And don’t worry, I didn’t get drunk.”

Spock did not smell alcohol on Jim so it would seem he had not even had any. “Your reports are done?”

“Mostly. I can finish everything else in the morning right before we leave.”

Spock found himself suddenly straddled by Jim. His hands automatically went to Jim’s waist.

“Now, as I recall, someone was going to fuck me,” Jim said with a teasing glint in his eyes.

Spock was unable to prevent himself from becoming aroused. This was Jim and he desired him. But he was also uneasy. He was aware, now, that Jim used sex as a way to distract him, and unfortunately, Spock was hardly immune to the tactic, though he wished he could be, and just now his mind was screaming in protest not to give into Jim’s distractions and to insist that Jim tell him… _anything_. Just one thing of substance. That was all Spock wanted at that moment.

But Jim leaned down and pressed his lips to Spock’s, most insistently, and Spock closed his eyes, ignoring the disappointment he could not help but feel.   


	16. Chapter 16

“Now, see, this is great,” Jim enthused, as he held his arms out wide and turned around in the quarters that the admiralty had approved for him and Spock to share.

 It had taken way too many forms and even a couple of physicals and psych evaluations, which Spock seemed oddly surprised they’d both passed, but it had all been worth it. Their relationship was officially logged in with Starfleet and they had been given a large cabin with a large bed. Off to one side was a little alcove that they’d decided Spock could use for his meditation, and on the other side was a living room that preceded the bedroom. And then of course was the bathroom.

“It is quite satisfactory,” Spock agreed, setting their bags down on the end of the bed. “Which side of the dresser would you prefer to have your belongings placed?”

“Huh? Oh. I don’t care. Whatever.” The door chimed. “Come.”

Bones stepped in along with Uhura. “Well, I’ll say one thing, the medbay’s bigger. I don’t know if that’s improvement though.” He glanced around. “Fancy.”

Jim grinned. “It’s great.”

Bones made a sort of derisive noise and then he glanced at Spock. “You two ready to do this?”

“Yeah. It’s just a formality, right? I mean basically we’re already together. It’s just a little ceremony and paperwork.”

They were having a brief marriage ceremony. Bones had arranged to get himself certified by Starfleet to perform it and Uhura and Scotty were going to be witnesses. Neither one of them wanted a big thing. Just at the end of it, they’d officially be husbands. Jim was sure that eventually Spock would want them to bond as Vulcans did. And he was…sort of willing. He was. He guessed.

“All right, then, we're just waiting for Scotty. I’ll go see what’s taking him,” Bones said.

Jim smiled at Spock and Uhura and excused himself to go to the bathroom. He was suddenly very nervous and his stomach had begun to make loud, groaning noises. This was Spock. He wanted to be with Spock. Had since practically the beginning. So why was he freaking out now?

He splashed water on his face and took several deep breaths. This was a huge commitment. Not that he wasn’t committed to Spock. He didn’t want to be with anyone else. But Spock would be trapped with Jim and it would only get worse when they bonded. They were supposed to be forever, weren’t they? Forever was a long fucking time.

As he stared into the mirror, his reflection became Frank.

_No one’s ever going to want you the way I do, Jimmy. If they see inside you, they’ll know. They’ll know just how you’re rotting inside. How you’re cracked and bleeding._

He closed his eyes and when he opened them again, Frank was gone.

 _Fuck you_.

When he exited the bathroom, Uhura stood very close to Spock.

“Are you sure about this? I mean, I know you love him. But with everything going on between you, I want you to not be making a mistake,” she whispered to Spock.

“I am sure and it is not a mistake, Nyota. He needs me.”

“But what about what you need? Spock—”

The door to their quarters opened again and Bones and Scotty came in. Jim acted like he had just come out of the bathroom.

“Okay, is everyone ready?” Bones asked.

Jim shook his head. “Can you guys give us a minute?” He gestured for Spock to join him in the bathroom. Spock looked concerned but he followed Jim inside.

“Jim?”

Jim ran his fingers through his hair. “Look, maybe this is a mistake.”

“What?”

“I don’t want us to-to be together like this if it’s just because you think I’m some whiny needy succubus or something.”

“A-a needy succubus?”

“Yeah. You know. One of those sex demon things.”

Spock arched his brow. “Yes, I am aware of what one is.” Spock took a step closer to him and then put his hand on Jim’s face. “Jim.”

“Yeah?”

“You overheard what Nyota was saying and she means well, but she does not understand.”

Jim bit his lip. “Maybe I don’t either.”

“Perhaps you do not. She only understands as she is capable in context with what she and I had together. But it is not and cannot be the same as what I feel, what I want with you. I crave your needing me.”

“Isn’t that sort of fucked up in some way?”

“No. It is no one else’s business except our own. I want to be your husband.”

“I know,” Jim said softly. “I just—”

“You have doubts.”

“I don’t want to. God, I love you so much. It’s fucking scary. And I-I just don’t know where my head is sometimes.” He gestured to his head. “It gets all twisted around. I’ve had some really bad things happen.”

“I know, but you have survived. I want to protect you.”

“I’m not weak.”

Spock leaned into him. “You are stronger than anyone I have ever known. You provide me strength when otherwise I would lack it. Can you not see that I need you also?”

Jim closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around Spock’s waist. “Let’s do this.”

Jim took Spock’s hand and they exited the bathroom to where Bones, Scotty and Uhura waited.

“You sure you don’t want to make a bigger fuss, Captain?” Scotty asked. “We could set it up in the rec room and I could break out my pipes and—”

“Definitely not,” Spock spoke up.

Jim laughed. “Sorry, Scotty. We’re sort of low key.”

“Fine, fine.”

Bones gestured for them to stand side by side. There were only a couple of things to say, vows exchanged, and then formal papers to sign. It was over in five minutes and Jim had a brief moment where he wondered if they really should have made a bigger fuss.

He guessed that would come when they bonded one day.

When they were alone once more, Jim put his arms around Spock’s neck. “Well, was that a little underwhelming or what?”

“Perhaps. But the end result is you are my husband and I am yours. They cannot separate us.”

“If someone told me when all that shit hit the fan with Krall that when we took the ship out again I’d be marrying you, I would have thought they were batshit crazy.”

Spock inclined his head. “I would have had similar thoughts.”

“Yeah.” Jim said, turning wistful. “You were going to leave.”

“And so were you.”

“Do you sometimes wish you had?” Jim wondered.

“I still have concerns about the nature of the assistance I provide with the rebuilding of our race, but I cannot regret being with you.”

“There are times I think I should have taken that position on Yorktown,” Jim admitted. He winced at his own words. “I’m sorry.”

“Do not be.”

Jim’s terminal beeped and he pulled away. “Probably something from the admiralty about the shakedown.”

He went over to the terminal. Only two words appeared.

 _Bon Voyage_.

His stomach sank.

“Jim? What is wrong?”

Jim forced a smile and erased the message. “Nothing. Just one of the admirals wishing us well.” He went over to Spock and grabbed his biceps. “Let’s go check out the bridge.”

Spock stared at him for far longer than was probably necessary but he finally nodded. “Very well.”

“It’s good to be back on the Enterprise, yeah?” Jim asked as they walked down the corridor toward the turbolift.

“Yes, Captain.”       


	17. Chapter 17

Spock maintained calm even though it was far from what he felt as he watched Leonard administer treatment to their captain.

Jim was sitting up on the biobed, his face battered and bruised, a gash at the corner of his mouth, and his arm laying in a sling. He was extremely pale, but was, according to Leonard, recovering fine.

Leonard met Spock’s gaze over the top of Jim’s head. He murmured something to Jim and then patted his uninjured arm.

He stepped over to Spock. “Can I have a word?”

Spock nodded and they stepped away, out of Jim’s earshot.

“What the hell happened down there?”

Spock let out the breath he’d felt he’d been holding for some time. “You witnessed it as well as I did.”

“What do you intend to do about it?”

“I will speak to him.”

“Speak to him? Spock—”

“He is hardly receptive to discussions involving his mental state, doctor. You know that as well, as you have experienced it directly.”

“We can’t overlook it this time, Spock.”

“I am aware. As I said, I will talk with him. I presume you will do the same. What are his physical concerns?”

“His arm is just sprained. There’s not much I can do with that and the swelling’s down. It should feel better in a day or two.  I healed his cracked ribs. He’s got a few contusions and a bit of a concussion. But, remarkably, nothing serious.”

“Are you releasing him?”

“Yeah, but I want him off at least twenty-four hours. Then I’ll reevaluate.” Leonard wiped his hand over his face. “Maybe longer if I have to report this.”

“Understood.”

Spock returned to where Jim still sat on the edge of the biobed looking very forlorn. The doctor did not follow him, allowing them a little bit of privacy.

Jim looked up at Spock’s approach. “Can I leave?”

“Affirmative. But you are off for twenty-four hours for bed rest.”

Jim shook his head. “I don’t need any rest.”

“The doctor does not concur.” Spock paused. “And neither do I.”

The captain shot him a look that was pure disgruntlement.

“Jim, I am concerned.”

“Bones said I was fine.”

“And for that I am grateful. But you deliberately placed yourself in a dangerous position on Lidol 3.”

“Hackley needed help.”

“And Ensign Frederickson was in a better position to prevent her from harm,” Spock pointed out. “You fell off a cliff to the rocks below after an action you did not need to take.”

“It’s up to me to ensure the safety of my crew.”

“Your crew was in less peril than you yourself were.” Spock took a deep breath, then exhaled. “I saw you.”

A muscle ticked in Jim’s jaw. “Saw me what?”

“You could have stopped yourself from falling off that cliff,” he said carefully. “You had time and space to do so. In fact, and the doctor agrees, I believe you stepped off the edge of your own free will.”

“Not this again.”

“This is not the first time your actions have put you in direct jeopardy. You have little regard for your own safety.”

Jim slid off the edge of the biobed to stand. “I don’t want to hear this.”

“Jim—”

“I’m the captain and I am responsible for the crew. That’s all there was to it.”

“Doctor McCoy—”

“Fuck Bones. And Fuck you, too. You’re out of line, Commander.”

“You are my captain, but you are also my husband and I am concerned.”

“Well, fucking don’t be. I didn’t do anything you wouldn’t have done yourself. I was trying to save Hackley and that’s all there was to it.”

Jim turned and began to walk away. Spock took hold of his uninjured arm to prevent him from leaving and just dismissing Spock.

Jim’s blue eyes turned glacial. “Get your hands off me. Now.”

Spock released him and took a startled step back. He had never heard Jim sound so cold. “Jim.”

“ _Everything_ is fucking fine, okay? I’m going to my quarters.”

Spock stared at him. It was like staring at a stranger. Jim was looking at him like he hated Spock and that-that—

“I will accompany you.”

“I don’t need you.”

Spock sucked in a breath.

Jim rolled his eyes. “To escort me. I don’t need you to escort me. Report to the bridge.”

“Yes, Captain,” Spock said softly, painfully. He almost held out his fingers to Jim for…something, but Jim turned away again and walked out of the medbay, rather unsteadily, but Spock dared not follow him and insist on helping him to their quarters. _Their_ quarters, not _Jim’s_.

When he was sure he had everything in check, Spock exited the medbay and went to the bridge for his shift.

The shift was uneventful but when it was over he did not return to their quarters. The ache in his side had grown over the hours on the bridge and he could not yet face a Jim who appeared to hate him. Instead he went to one of the labs to oversee some experiments his crew had been maintaining.

Spock lost track of how long he’d been there, which certainly should have told him how really off he was. But the door slid open and he looked up as Jim entered.

He was dressed in his lounge pants and a t-shirt. His expression was soft rather than harsh as it had been hours ago. His tongue came out to trace his lips.

“Spock, I-I’m sorry,” he whispered.

Spock did not move from where he stood by the counter.

Jim visibly swallowed. “Will-will you come back to our quarters? Please?”

“If that is what you wish,” Spock replied after a brief hesitation.

“Please.” He looked unbelievably vulnerable but it was hard for Spock to trust that given the man he had been confronted with only a short time ago.

But Spock nodded. “All right.”

They walked side by side down the corridor but there was a larger space between them than would normally be their preference and neither said a word.

Once inside their cabin, Spock was not sure what to do.

Jim made the decision for him, however, when he rushed at Spock and threw his arms around him, burying his face in Spock’s neck.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“Jim.”

“Please don’t hate me.”

Spock was so surprised by his husband’s plea, that he drew back, his hand lifting Jim’s chin. “Ashaya, I could _never_ hate you. You are the air I breathe.”

Jim’s eyes suddenly filled with tears. “Are you angry?”

“No. No, Jim. I am not.”

“Well, you should be.” Jim pulled Spock close again. “I was a dick. I’m sorry. I love you. I love you so much.”

Spock closed his eyes. “I love you as well.”

He led Jim over toward the bed so that they could sit side by side on the edge of the mattress. He took Jim’s hands in his.

“Will you tell me why you were so angry?” he asked after a moment.

“I wasn’t trying anything, Spock. I wasn’t,” Jim insisted. “I’m just clumsy. I didn’t go over the edge on purpose.”

Spock was not certain what to say. He believed Jim was lying but he did not know how to say that without causing even more problems between them. This was all more than he had ever prepared himself to handle. While his relationship with Nyota had been dramatic at times, there was nothing like this. He’d never been forced to deal with this. It was so much emotion. So much. He could feel Jim’s distress and it was enormous. How did a Vulcan handle all this? Spock did not know.

Jim was looking down at their combined hands. “I’ll be more careful.”

“Yes?”

“Yes.” Jim nodded. “I promise. And I’ll tell Bones too. I-I won’t take so many chances.”

“I would appreciate that,” Spock said quietly.

Jim smiled though it was strained. “Do you forgive me?”

“Yes, ashaya. Do you forgive me?”

“There’s nothing to forgive.” Jim leaned over and kissed the corner of Spock’s mouth. “Did you want to…?”

“Want to what?”

“Have sex.”

Spock turned Jim’s hand over and stroked his thumb over the lines on his palm. “You were just injured.”

“I’m okay.”

He shook his head. “I would prefer to wait. There is no requirement of sex at this time.”

“But.” Jim frowned and then looked away. “I don’t—okay.”

“What, Jim?”

“Nothing.”

Spock studied his husband in silence for a moment. “Jim. If we were never to have sex again, I would still stay with you.”

That got Jim’s attention. He looked at Spock like he thought Spock had grown an extra head.

“I am not with you for sex,” Spock said gently.

“Then why?” Jim asked, suddenly growing agitated. “If not for sex, why would you be with me?”

“I love you.”

Jim looked away. Rather than seeming to make him happy, this seemed to make him sad or even confuse him. But he nodded. “Okay.”

Spock rested his hand on Jim’s cheek, drawing his attention once more. “Someday I hope to make you realize all there is to you and how cherished you truly are.” He kissed Jim’s forehead. “Will you sleep for me? Leonard did say he wanted you to rest.”

“Will you stay with me?”

Spock smiled very slightly. “Where else would I go, Jim?”

“You don’t need to meditate first?”

Spock shook his head. “Negative. I am at peace when you are in my arms.”

He got Jim into bed and then joined him, holding him close, and after a moment he knew Jim had fallen asleep. But Spock was in turmoil and sleep eluded him.


	18. Chapter 18

Being off duty made Jim edgy and unsettled. He felt stressed out, jittery. Spock was on the bridge, yeah where he should be—where _Jim_ should be actually—and being alone in his quarters was definitely not a good idea.

His mind, his thoughts, wanted to go…there.

_“You’re the perfect vessel, you know that? Your ass, your mouth. Wherever I put myself. And whenever. So pretty. So perfect.”_

“Stop it! Stop it” Jim shouted. He covered his ears, even though, in reality, the voice he heard was not in the room, but in his head. He kicked his chair over, then began kicking at other things, the desk, the wardrobe, the bulkhead.

He picked up his PADD and smashed it.

And then he dropped to the ground, burying his face in his knees.

Jim was unaware of how long he stayed like that. He thought he pushed something on a communicator at some point, but he didn't remember exactly. And he thought he heard someone at his door, but he ignored that.

But he was aware when Spock knelt on the ground next to him and took his hands away from covering him, and then pulled him, somehow, all the way into Spock’s lap. He was crying too. And he didn’t even know how to stop, though he desperately wanted to.

“God, I must make your skin crawl,” he said thickly, against Spock’s throat.

He felt Spock tremble. “Never.”

“All these emotions. I’m so pathetic.”

“You are not.” He felt Spock swallow.

Jim gripped Spock’s uniform shirt tightly in his fists. He couldn’t let go.

“You didn’t bargain for this.”

Spock did not reply at first, but when he did, it was to say softly, “I made no bargains. I made a commitment. One that cannot and will not ever be broken.”

“But-but we’re not bonded. Only married.”

“Though you have not agreed to bond with me yet, I still consider us mates. And a divorce, to me, is unacceptable.” Spock’s hands moved over Jim’s back soothingly. “Will you tell me what torments you so much?”

Just tell him, Jim. Just fucking tell him.

“I-I can tell you any-anything, right?” he whispered, heart pounding so hard it hurt.

“Ashal-veh, you are my life. I would die for you,” Spock whispered. “Please. Your torment is mine.”

He clenched his eyes tight. He reached for Spock’s hand and placed it on his chest over his heart.

“Your heart rate. Doctor McCoy—”

“I don’t need Bones. I need you.”

“Do you wish to move to the bed?” Spock asked gently.

“No. I don’t want to stop touching you.” If anything, he sucked on more to Spock, so that he couldn’t even tell which was which. If they could be one, Jim would be happy.

“Would you prefer a meld?”

“That’s the coward’s way out.”

“No, ashaya, it is only to make things easier on you.”

He shook his head as he continued to bury him himself into his husband. When had he become so damn clingy?

“Nothing can ever make this easy, Spock,” Jim admitted. “Or even easier.” A thought occurred to him. A horrible thought. “Do you have to return to duty?”

“Not now. Mister Scott is in command. Unless there is an emergency I am not required.”

Jim nodded, closing his eyes and leaning into Spock. Plastering himself. “Frank was my mother’s husband.”

“I do recall mention of him in your files.”

“Yeah, he…he fooled her. Into thinking he was normal. He was…evil. My brother, Sam, he left when I was just a kid because Frank used to beat the shit out of him. He-he looked like my dad. Old pictures of my dad when he was a kid, well, Sammy was the spitting image of him. And Frank _hated_ him.”

“Where was your mother?”

“Off planet. In space. Far away from any of us. When Sam started getting big enough to fight back, things began to change in our house. Sam stayed out most of the time, even before he left. He ran with this group of friends that would get in trouble in town, but I think they kind of scared Frank because he didn’t do much about Sam and his friends. But the more Sam stayed away, the more Frank paid attention to me.”

There was a beat of silence that was deafening in the room.

“He beat you?”

Jim swallowed. He was shaking now, he felt the trembling, and Spock was trying to hold onto him, trying to get the shaking to stop, before he shook right apart, but he couldn’t do it. The shaking only got worse.

“No,” Jim whispered. “Not most of the time. He did different things to me. Mom wasn’t around so he decided I was-I was-I was---”

He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t say it. He was a coward because he couldn’t tell Spock. He was shaking apart and crying again.

“Jim, Jim, it is all right,” Spock was saying, practically popping his ribs he held him so tight and Jim didn’t even mind. “You do not need to say more. I know. I understand.”

And of course he knew. He was touching Jim's skin everywhere, and there was no way Jim could keep this inside anymore. It was crashing forth like waves on rocks.  

Suddenly Jim felt rage so intense emanating off Spock that he drew back and stared at him. “Spock? Are you-are you angry at me?”

And then Spock’s dark eyes welled up with tears and he pushed Jim underneath him, protectively, holding him, laying over him as he shook his head frantically.

“No. No. I am not,” he kept repeating over and over.

“Then—”

“I am angry at what you have endured. At the human who has damaged you this way.” Spock hitched a breath. “Do not fear me. Please. I cannot bear you being afraid of me.”

“Oh baby.” Jim stroked his fingers over Spock’s face. “I’m not. I promise. I’m not.”

"I could not bear your fear. It would destroy me."

Spock leaned his forehead on Jim’s and for long minutes they just breathed together, their eyes closed. Jim could feel the tremors in both of them.

“I want to rip him apart,” Spock said eventually, his voice whisper soft in contrast to the steel in his words.  “I want to tear him into pieces.”

“Don’t leave me,” Jim whispered back.

“Never,” Spock vowed. “I will never.”

“You should,” Jim said, though he knew he was contradicting himself.

“I am incapable of being parted from you.”

“Well, when I—”

Spock’s fingers touched his lips. “Do not speak of your death. I will not bear it.”

“Spock.”

“And this mad man who has tormented you? Where is he now?”

Jim shook his head. “I don’t know. For a long time he was in prison for his crimes. But they released him. And he’s-he’s been contacting me.”

“The messages you have been keeping from me?”

“Yes,” Jim said reluctantly.

“Show them to me.”

“I don’t have most of them anymore. Spock, I don’t want to see them. I don’t want anything to do with him.”

“And you will not. Ever. I assure you that your days of having to deal with him are over,” Spock hugged him close. “You have no idea how deep my affection for you goes. I would kill for you.”

“I feel the same about you.” Jim shook his head. “I don’t want you anywhere near him. He’s a monster.”

“Yes,” Spock agreed. “But I have slain monsters before.”


	19. Chapter 19

For a long time, Spock watched his husband sleep. The rise and fall of his chest. His skin flushed red and the marks from the sheets that pressed a pattern there.

Jim was beautiful in sleep. He was beautiful at all times. But in moments like this where he was as unguarded as he ever became, which was not much even in rest, Spock found himself in awe.

With Jim’s permission to do so, for moments after Jim had finally given in to the urge to sleep, Spock had rested his fingers upon Jim’s face and searched through his memories. He was careful not to intrude enough that he would wake Jim, but it was enough that he caught several memories he would rather not have known.

Jim’s stepfather had begun to molest him at an entirely too young age and had continued to do so for years. Even when Jim returned from Tarsus. He’d learned from Jim’s memories that his stepfather traded food for sexual favors.

Eventually he had been too disturbed to linger further amid the growing need to make Jim forget such horrors. Spock was mindful that Humans viewed certain Vulcan practices and abilities as pushing the limits of what they would accept. And Jim, more than any other, Spock had known.

He had come to the conclusion that though Jim had been sexually active for a number of years following his escape from the abuse, he had not received very much pleasure himself. It had been built in his psyche that he was to be used for pleasure and had not real worth himself.

It explained a great deal about their own sexual encounters. If there was one thing in Spock’s remaining years that he intended to do it was to teach Jim his incredible worth in all things. His mate was to be cherished and he would cherish him above anyone or anything. And while he had breath, Spock would protect Jim from any further harm.

From anyone.

He touched his fingers to Jim’s face, gently providing pleasant thoughts and dreams to Jim’s mind, satisfied when he saw the sweet upturn of Jim’s lips.

Spock knew that he would have to take care if the problem of Jim’s stepfather, Frank, permanently. The Federation and other authorities had failed to rein in a predator. Spock would not be so careless.

The man had already gotten near Jim once, Spock suspected, though his memories and Jim himself had failed to confirm this. But Spock suspected that the night he’d found Jim in an alley by a seedy pub covered in various unseemly fluids might have included an encounter with Frank. Jim had been hopped up on narcotics and hadn’t been much help in explaining all the circumstances, but Spock had conducted some interviews that indicated Jim had been speaking with an older portly man and that Jim had been enormously agitated.

Whatever had happened between them that night, if anything, Spock could not, would not, let it be repeated.

Spock inched out of their bed, being careful not to disturb his husband. He had a lot of plans to make and decisions as well. Should he handle Frank himself or get operatives to do so?

He went to his terminal and worked on it for the next few hours, checking on Jim periodically. He remained peacefully resting.

Spock pulled on his uniform and left their quarters dark as he went in search of McCoy, whom he found in the medbay.

“You asked to see me?” McCoy asked. He pointed his thumb back toward his office. “In there.”

Spock followed him in and took the seat in front of McCoy’s desk.

“This is about Jim?”

“Affirmative. How much do you know about his past?”

“Well.” The doctor shrugged a little. “He’s closed mouthed as hell. I’m sure you’ve figured that out.”

Spock nodded.

“But I know some things. There was some physical abuse by his stepfather. Beatings, that sort of thing.”

“It was more than…beatings,” Spock said softly.

For a long time McCoy stared at him, his eyes hard. “He told you?”

“Yes. His stepfather spent some time in prison for his crimes but he was released. He has made contact with Jim since then.”

“Son of a bitch. _Physical_ contact?”

“I am unsure,” Spock admitted. “I suspect it is a possibility. I think much of his suicidal tendencies comes from this.” He hesitated only a moment. McCoy was Jim’s doctor as well as his best friend. “He was also on Tarsus IV during the famine crisis.”

“Oh God.”

“This man managed to use that against Jim as well. From what I have learned he has developed a sick, romantic fascination for Jim.”

“Mind games,” McCoy murmured.

“To say the least,” Spock agreed. “Under the circumstances I cannot permit his stepfather to live, but I also do not wish to leave Jim alone at present.”

“He won’t be alone,” McCoy stated flatly.

“I realize that. What I mean is that I believe if I even suggest going after his stepfather he will have a breakdown.”

“He won’t want you to risk yourself.”

“Yes.”

For a long time McCoy said nothing. When he did, his voice was low, deep, and threatening. “Do you know who is capable of going after him to get the job done?”

“I believe so.”

“Don’t just believe so. Know so.” McCoy leaned forward. “I know an assassin.”

“ _You_?”

“A very good one. Discreet. Part Betazoid. Blends in well.”

“You know a Betazoid assassin?’

McCoy waved that away. “Never mind that. We go way back. Uses mind manipulation techniques that can be very painful.”

“What you are suggesting—”

“I know what I am suggesting,” the doctor said quietly. “But first, we have to find this bastard.”

****

Jim stirred when Spock returned to their quarters. He removed his clothes and re-entered the bed next to his mate just as his eyes blinked open.

Jim smiled a little, rather dreamily. “Hey.”

Spock kissed him.

“I dreamed we were married.”

“That is no dream, ashaya.”

“’s good,” Jim said sleepily. “You go somewhere?”

“Only for a moment, I am back now.”

Jim moved closer to Spock, resting his head on Spock’s chest. Spock closed his eyes.

“I will keep you safe.”

“Hmm?”

“Nothing, my heart. Just that I will always be by your side.”

Jim nodded, closed his eyes. “Good. I don’t want you to leave.”

“I know.”

“Sleep.”

“Yes.”

“You too,” Jim whispered. “That’s an order.”

“Yes, Captain.”

And very soon, Jim was once more asleep. But Spock…Spock watched over him.  


	20. Chapter 20

Jim woke up to Spock still watching over him.

He felt…conflicted. His stomach vied with his mind for how much each churned. He searched Spock’s gaze even as he sat up in bed. Spock’s hand immediately went to his chest, covering his heart.

“Jim, are you well?”

“I don’t know,” Jim admitted.

“What-what is wrong?”

Jim shook his head. “Nothing exactly. Just…”

“You are faced with regrets now as you wake,” Spock said softly.

Jim closed his eyes. “I never meant for _anyone_ to know all that.”

“Even me.”

Jim clenched his eyes tighter. “Especially you. You thinking less of me—”

“Never. I would not.”

He opened his eyes and smiled faintly. “There have been times—”

“Jim, please.”

“Sorry. Yeah. I guess…not the time for jokes.”

“Negative. Jim, you said that you did not fear me, but there was that time on New Vulcan. I…you closed yourself off in the bathroom.” Spock looked down at his hands almost shyly. “I said something wrong and you—”

“No, Spock. No. You didn’t.” He reached over and took Spock’s hands. “That was me. Not you.”

“Jim—”

Jim swallowed. “Don’t make me say this.”

“Jim, I would never—”

“Frank used to-he used to—”

Spock closed his hands tightly over Jim’s. “No. You do not have to. Jim.”

His eyes filled with burning tears of humiliation. “He used to say I was his. And when you said I was yours, I just, I lost it. I know it’s not the same. I know. I know.”

“Ashaya, please. Do not torment yourself further.”

“You are no comparison to him, ever, Spock. I don’t know why I reacted that day in that manner.”

“It does not matter,” Spock said stoically. “I regret hurting you in anyway no matter how inadvertently. I will never say anything like that again.”

“No, I…Spock. I am yours. And God, I’m so happy to be so. It’s just, sometimes, I get these fucked up thoughts in my head, and I get flashbacks, and I…I don’t know how to deal with them.” Jim sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“You owe me no apology.”

“This is why I’m not sure I should have started a relationship with you. None of this is fair to you, Spock. I-I was always determined that I should remain alone. But then I fell in love with you.” Jim wiped at his eyes.

“For which I am gratified.”

“I don’t know how you could be.”

“Relationships are not about what is fair or how much one loves the other more or what one partner must put up with about the other.”

Jim smiled faintly but he did not meet Spock’s eyes. “You sure about that?”

“Positive. There is no one I want to spend every day with for the rest of my existence but you. At times you frustrate me, at times you infuriate me, at times I am in complete awe of you, at times I am absolutely certain I will never be worthy of you—”

“Spock.”

“Whatever I have to do to ensure that I will be by your side for whatever time either of us has left, I will do it.”

Jim scooted closer to him, though he was not far, and placed a hand on Spock’s leg. “You’re stuck with me now. We’re married, remember?”

“I do. And I want us to bond also.”

Jim searched his gaze. “Are you sure? Even Uhura told you not to do that.”

Spock shook his head. “She did not.”

“She expressed doubts about our relationship together.”

“And I explained she does not know what is between us. In any event, she is happy for the marriage we have now. She will be pleased to see us bonded. What I want is to know if you are agreeable. I will not pressure you.”

“You know a lot about me already now,” Jim said softly. “I’ve laid myself bare. What else do I need to protect myself from?”

“You need no protection from me. However, if you—”

“No, I know. I trust you.” Jim held his gaze. “Beyond anything or anyone.”

Spock brought Jim’s hand to his lips. “I have a confession.”

“Uh-oh.” Jim smiled, though his stomach fluttered. “What have you done?”

“I involved Doctor McCoy,” Spock said. “I needed his cooperation in pursuing your stepfather.”

“Pursuing? Spock, no. You aren’t to go anywhere near Frank.”

“I will not. But Leonard and I do not wish him coming near you. In retrospect I should have requested your permission to discuss the matter with him. I did not reveal a lot of details, however, he is now aware of your time on Tarsus as well as the crimes of your stepfather.”

Jim blew out a breath. How did he feel about Bones knowing? Other than Spock, there was no one he trusted like Bones. Bones cared about him more than his own brother did. Bones would risk anything to save Jim. Had in fact. And he was his doctor.

“I do wish that you had asked first,” Jim said honestly. “But I also understand why you didn’t. And I guess-I guess I’m okay with Bones knowing at least some of it.” He leaned over and kissed Spock’s cheek. He looked so worried. “But no one else, okay? Not unless I say so.”

“Yes, absolutely.” Spock brought Jim’s hand to his side where Spock’s heart beat. “I will let no one near you to harm you.”

“You can hardly promise that. I’m a starship captain. I take risks.”

“Yes, but—”

“I appreciate the sentiment, sweetheart.” Jim bit his lip. “You know, if, if you ever want…” He trailed off. Shook his head.

“What, ashaya?”

“I’d-I’d be okay if you wanted to, um, I mean, normally, I know there’s monogamy, but if you wanted to…I just, I know probably—”

Spock touched his fingertips to Jim’s mouth to stop his words. “I will be with no one else, Jim.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I want no one if I cannot have you. I have told you there is more to us than sex.”

“I like sex,” Jim said.

“There are times it makes you…uncomfortable.”

“Not usually with you.”

“We will engage in coitus only when you wish to fully participate. I will never use you for my own pleasure while discarding yours. That is not me. That is not you.” His thumb brushed lightly against Jim’s cheek. “Do you understand?”

Jim stared into his deep brown eyes for a long time, basking in the absolute devotion he saw there. “You are amazing.”

“I feel the same about you.”

Jim laughed. “When?”

“When what?”

“When do we bond?”

Spock sucked in a breath. “Do you mean it?”

“Yes, Spock. Let’s do it. Let’s be everything.”


	21. Chapter 21

Jim liked to watch Spock sleep. He didn’t know if it were creepy or something, but waking up with Spock beside him in bed never got old and there was something…endearing about how soft Spock looked while his eyes were closed and his mouth slightly parted.

There was a vulnerability in this Spock that he hadn’t noticed so much in the older version of Spock he’d met so long ago on Delta Vega. Perhaps because of the loss of Amanda and his planet, Jim wasn’t sure, but thought it made sense. When first he’d come across Spock at the hearing there had been no vulnerability. Spock was as hard-assed as anyone Jim had ever known.

That Vulcan was gone though and replaced with the one now sharing his bed, his life, his heart.

Jim would give anything in the world for Spock not to have been so hurt, but he could not change what happened for or to either of them. There was only going forward and what they could face together now.

At the sign that Spock was stirring awake, Jim put his hand upon Spock’s side, feeling his heartbeat thrum underneath the skin there. Sometimes he forgot that Spock was not the same as him, physically and mentally. And to expect him to be the same, to react like Jim, was unfair.

Spock’s lashes lifted to reveal his brown eyes staring at Jim. He seemed vaguely startled and Jim hastened to reassure him.

“Hey,” Jim said, his voice coming out rough, scratchy. “Good morning.”

Spock’s lips curved upward infinitesimally. “Jim.”

“Were you expecting someone else?” He joked.

“I never expected you,” Spock said seriously. “But I am gratified.”

Spock put his hand over Jim’s at his side and squeezed. Jim turned his hand over so that they were palm to palm.

For a few minutes, Jim kept his gaze on their hands but then he let his gaze rise back to Spock’s face.

“Do you want me to…you know?”

Spock’s brow furrowed.

Jim sighed and then laughed, feeling a little foolish. “I never used to be this shy with anyone else.”

“Why is that?”

“They never mattered,” Jim whispered. He moistened his lips. “You want me to make love to you?”

Spock gazed at him. “As I believe I understand the question, you are asking if I would like you to enter me.”

Jim turned red but he did not look away. “Yeah.”

“Is that what you want, Jim?”

“Well.” He shrugged. “I’m not opposed to the idea. If you’d like to try it or whatever.”

Spock said nothing for a while. But he moved his other hand to Jim’s arm and ran it up and down Jim’s biceps in soothing motions. “Will that position make you more comfortable?”

“No. I mean, I don’t know. I just thought…whatever.”

“Jim.” Spock entwined their fingers that rested on his side. “You like it when I enter you, do you not?”

Jim laughed awkwardly. “God, this conversation.”

“Even now you find discussions of sexual activity uncomfortable.”

“Maybe. I don’t know. Usually I just got to it, you know? Didn’t spend time getting too much involved in discussing it.” Jim shook his head. “I love you. So much. Really. But God, can we not spend this morning analyzing Jim?”

“I apologize. That was not my intention.”

He smiled a little. “I know. I just want us to be together. Naturally. You know?”

“If there is anything that bothers you—”

“Spock.” Jim moved closer and began to kiss Spock, at least it would shut him up. Spock’s lips softened under his until Spock moaned low and very slowly and with much care flipped Jim onto his back.

“This is all right?”

“More than all right,” Jim assured him. He arched up toward Spock as Spock took his growing erection in his hand. He almost pushed Spock away, almost changed it so that he was pleasuring Spock instead. He had to twist his hands in the sheets to keep from doing so.

“Is this how you like it?” Spock asked softly, his fingers curling around Jim’s shaft, sliding up and down.

“No complaints,” he gasped.

Spock shifted a little and Jim heard the sound of the bedside drawer opening. When he tensed for a half second he felt the barest touch of Spock’s mind on his, pure love and reassurance. He exhaled as a slicked finger entered him.

“Ashaya?”

“I’m good,” he said.

Spock’s kiss deepened and Jim sighed into his mouth as Spock inserted another finger. He relaxed into the invasion of his body. Spock’s other hand continued to caress Jim’s cock.

After several more minutes, Spock moved his lips to Jim’s ear and whispered, “Do I have permission to place myself inside you?”

Jim closed his eyes, so much love and trust for Spock flowing through him. No one had ever asked, never. It had been taken and sometimes taken by him. But it had never been this way. He felt the prick of tears, but nodded.

“Yes, please.”

Spock shifted again and then parted Jim’s legs so that Spock was placed directly between them. His gaze on Jim’s faze, his hand continuing to work its magic on Jim’s shaft, Spock pushed his erection slowly into Jim’s hole, passed the tight muscle until he was all the way seated within.

It was glorious.

“Move,” Jim groaned. “Please.”

And Spock did. Thrusting into Jim with such care and gentleness that it was very nearly frustrating. But his arousal spiked at the way Spock cared for him. When Spock’s other hand came up to Jim’s face, his fingers spreading out, his eyes seeking permission, Jim gave it with another nod. Spock melded with him instantly, their minds reaching for each other, wrapping around each other to make one as Spock joined their bodies with each deep thrust.

It went on and on, deliciously, prolonged by Spock until Jim was sweaty and frantic, slicked everywhere, and clinging to his Vulcan as he felt the first waves of an incredible orgasm building inside.

Spock spoke Vulcan words, more of a precious caress, and he rode through his release even as Spock continued to pump into him. Unbelievably his cock hardened anew until he was really a mewling, whimpering mess beneath Spock.

And when they finally came together again, Spock for the first one, Jim for his second, the room was filled with their cries of ecstasy and love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt the boys deserved some love


	22. Chapter 22

Jim tapped on Bones’ office door, holding two breakfast trays in hand. The door swished open and Bones looked over from his desk.

“What’s this?”

“Breakfast, of course. I know you haven’t eaten.” Jim plopped down Bones’ tray in front of him and his own in front of the seat across from him. “Got anything that passes for coffee around here?”

“I think so.” Bones got them two cups out of the replicator, then Bones watched him, clearly trying to figure him out. “What’s going on, Jim?”

Jim sat down. “For starters I know Spock told you things.” He looked away. “And most of that stuff I didn’t want you to know.”

Bones’ gaze swept over the breakfast but then focused on Jim. “Setting aside the fact I’m your friend—”

“I can’t set that aside. You’re my best friend.”

“And I feel the same. But in this instance, I think we need to set that aside. For the moment anyway. I’m your doctor. I need to know about anything physical that impacts you and as for the mental, well, I’ve been trained in psychology too.” Bones picked up a cup of coffee. “Some people think it’s easier to talk to strangers than people that are close to them. Is that how you feel, Jim?”

“Honestly I don’t find it easy to talk to anyone.”

“Easier then.”

Jim shook his head. “No. I mean, opening up about anything, I just—”

“Don’t.”

“Yeah. Talking about-talking about what Fra— _he_ —did to me, well, it doesn’t change anything.”

“Is it hard to say his name?”

“I don’t like personalizing him. Giving him that power. Stupid I guess.”

“No. Jim, that night Spock found you in the alleyway outside a bar in San Francisco—”

“That seems so long ago now,” Jim whispered.

“I have to ask this, but you don’t have to answer,” Bones continued. “I wish you would though.”

Jim wanted to look away from the intensity in Bones’ eyes, but he made himself keep his eyes where they were. “Okay.”

“Did you see him that night? Did you see your stepfather?”

“He was there. At the bar.”

“Fuck. I was afraid of that. Did you have direct contact with him?”

This time he did drop his gaze. He licked his lips. Kept his eyes on his clenched hands in his lap.

“Jim, it’s okay. You don’t have to answer. I think I already know.”

Bones’ voice was almost unbearably gentle.

“Listen, I really want you to spend some time, maybe each week, talking to me. Just about whatever you want to. Doesn’t have to be about that or Tarsus or your mom or Spock. Anything you want. We can start with thirty minutes a week. Can you do that?”

“Yeah. Yeah I guess.”

“Good. Now I have another question. Is he still contacting you?”

Jim nodded.

“And do you respond to him? In any way?”

“No. Except…that night.”

“Can you tell me why?”

“You wouldn’t get it.” He felt sick. He put his hand on his stomach. Still he wouldn’t look at Bones.

“I’d still like to listen.”

“I needed to-to feel dirty. Used. Like scum.”

“I see,” Bones said softly.

Jim’s gaze rose finally and he gave Bones a ghost of a smile. “No you don’t. It wouldn’t make sense to anyone else but me. Sometimes it doesn’t even make sense to me.”

“Spock and I need you to tell us any time he contacts you, all right? Don’t respond or engage in anyway. Just tell one of us.”

“You’re going after him, aren’t you?”

Bones’ expression didn’t change from the warm, gentle one he’d been wearing since Jim came into his office. But yet the air was like electric. “Don’t worry about that, Jim. You just concentrate on being safe and the best starship captain you can be.”

At this Jim snorted. “So now you’re patronizing me?”

“Jim—”

He held up his hands. “I know. Spock and I are going to New Vulcan to bond. Officially.”

“Good. I think you should.”

“Yeah?”

“You look surprised.”

“Well, shit, yeah, I am surprised. I thought you’d tell me I would fuck up Spock with my bats-in-the-belfry mind or something.”

“Where do you come up with this?”

“Or maybe you’d tell me my mind is too fragile to deal with becoming telepathically linked.”

“Nope. None of that. I think the two of you bonding is good for both of you. Having a positive voice in your head can only be good for you. And the closer Spock is to you and you to him, the safer and more secure you both are.”

“You’re an old softie,” Jim said with a more genuine smile. “Thanks. I needed that support. I really want this. With him.”

“I know.”

“Bones, just don’t-don’t do anything to get either of you in trouble or danger or anything, okay? I really would lose my fucking mind if something happened to either of you.”

“Don’t worry. I won’t endanger you, Spock, or myself.”

“Promise?”

“Yes.” Bones picked up his fork. “This actually looks good.”

“Looks can be deceiving.” Jim eyed his plate of a waffle, no syrup, and two crispy pieces of bacon.

“So. Um. Tarsus.”

Jim shook his head. “Let’s not go there.” He cut off a bite of waffle. “I’ve survived worse.” He couldn’t think when, but well, he had died, after all. And he had almost been blown out into space while trying to keep Krall from destroying Yorktown. But yeah…Tarsus. And after Tarsus. But before he could even think it through, Jim blurted out, “He used food against me.”

Bones’ fork, filled with scrambled eggs, was halfway to his mouth. He stared at Jim, pain in his eyes.

“Yeah,” Jim whispered. “I don’t want to talk about it.” He shoved waffle into his mouth.

Bone said nothing for a moment, then cleared his throat, “When are we getting to New Vulcan?”

“A course has already been plotted. I, for one, can’t wait. I think Spock’s even happier than me.”

“Spock? Happy?”

“Well, you know.” Jim waved his fork. “In a logical way.”

“Of course,” Bones murmured.

And they turned to other things. Mundane things. And though Jim’s chest still felt far too tight, it was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you still following this story, you have my gratitude. For new readers, welcome, it's a bumpy ride.


	23. Chapter 23

It had been a number of months since they’d been to Yorktown and Jim looked forward to it, even if it did mean delaying his and Spock’s bonding ceremony on New Vulcan. It would only be a delay of a few days while they made some repairs that could not be done by Scotty and his crew. Spock had informed his father and the elders of the slight delay, and they made their way to Yorktown.

Just after they’d arrived, Jim received a message that had his heart racing, his palms sweating, and him experiencing a sense of both dread and anticipation.

_Meet me at the Hotel Upton, Room 323. 1400 hours._

He’d stared at it. Read it and re-read it dozens of times.

He deleted it and put his PADD away.

When they got to Yorktown, Jim walked off the ship, unaccompanied by either Bones or Spock. He’d made excuses to both of them. He had some business to attend to and he’d see them later.

Jim watched Spock as he went off with Uhura, as they’d decided to make plans for lunch. Bones went with Sulu to meet with Ben and Demora. Neither seemed to suspect anything. And why would they?

Almost against his will, well, it was really against his will, he made his way to the Hotel Upton. He’d tried to turn and go in the other direction, but in the end, he didn’t. His legs moved him to the Upton.

He rode the lift to the third floor and got off when it stopped there.

At Room 323 he paused there. Just standing and looking at it. He knew he would go in. Of that he had no doubt. Because-because—

The door opened then and Jim looked at the face of his tormentor. _His master_.

“Come in, Jim.”

For yes, he had been enslaved.

Jim walked into the room and allowed the door to be shut and locked behind him.

Frank was smiling. That oily, monstrous smile that Jim had always hated. It held such triumph. “You know what to do.”

Jim started shaking. “I don’t want to.”

“What you want doesn’t matter,” Frank said. “You are nothing.”

Jim reached for the drugs, first. He would need to be numb. And then it would begin.

Just like before.

Like always.

In a haze, he removed his clothes just before Frank’s fingers dug into his skull and shoved him down to the floor at Frank’s feet.

“Just remember who you’ll always belong to, Jimmy. I bought you. I saved you. You owe your life, _everything_ to me. I let you have your life, your Enterprise, even your Vulcan. But you always must come back to me. Where you belong.”

****

Spock frowned. He could not help it. The expression felt somewhat unnatural but he was concerned. It had been hours since he’d last seen Jim and Jim had not checked in with him. Furthermore, Spock had been attempting contact with Jim for the last two hours with no success.

Worse, Leonard had not heard from him either.

No doubt against their captain’s wishes, Spock now had everyone looking for him. Spock had also learned that Jim had no meetings scheduled with Commodore Paris or anyone else with Starfleet on Yorktown.

“Uhura to Spock.”

“Yes, Nyota?”

“Spock. The captain is on the Enterprise.”

“Repeat.”

“I don’t know. But that’s what the transporter chief said. The captain came back about an hour ago. Spock,” she whispered. “He said he was…wasted or something. Really out of it. You’d better come.”

Spock was already running toward the transport area, all the while notifying Leonard that Jim had been found, but in an unknown condition.

When he reached the ship, Spock learned that the captain was in his quarters, so Spock immediately went there. He accessed the door.

“Door locked,” the computer said cheerfully.

“Commander Spock override.”

“Access denied.”

Spock’s nostrils flared. “Emergency override, protocol 23145.”

“Access denied.”

“Captain Kirk’s Emergency override, protocol priority 1188p46.”

The door slid open and Spock stepped inside.

The room was dark and for a moment, Spock thought empty. But then he spotted the shadowy figure on the floor by the closet. Heart threatening to burst through his side, Spock ordered, “Lights 25%.”

The room lit up enough for Spock to see the wreck that was his husband. Food from the replicators and snack bags, those he was aware Jim kept as a stash for security, were strewn all about him. Crumbs lay all down the front of him. Food was smeared across his face, as though he had smeared it there violently. His hair stood on end. One boot was off. He’d torn off the command tunic and wore only his undershirt and briefs. His pants were off too. How he still wore one boot, Spock could not speculate.

There was a sour, noxious, almost despicable smell of sex mixed with vomit. Jim’s eyes were as devoid of emotion as Spock had ever seen him. They were vacant, lifeless. In a way all too reminiscent of the warp core chamber.

Spock felt rocked to his very core as he slid to his knees next to Jim.

“Jim,” he spoke softly, faintly. He could not form the words.

Jim did not look at him. Did not even acknowledge his presence. But his chest rose and fell, so he was alive.

Spock flipped open his communicator. “Doctor McCoy to the Captain’s room. It is urgent.”

With shaking fingers, Spock placed his hand on Jim’s face.

Leonard arrived only a moment later. “Goddamn it to hell. What's happened?”

Spock, filled with almost uncontrollable rage, rose from the floor. “Stay with him.”

“Where are you going?”

“To tear a man apart,” Spock said calmly, though he felt anything but calm. “If I must destroy this space station to find him, I will.”

“Spock—”

“I will return.” And with that Spock stalked out of Jim’s quarters in search of a monster.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By necessity, this is from McCoy's POV.  
> Please heed trigger warnings for non-con for this chapter.

In the times over the years that Leonard felt completely helpless and useless, they involved the man who now sat on the floor of his too cold cabin.

“Computer, raise temperature twenty degrees,” Leonard called out hoarsely.

He approached his friend with extreme caution. Jim was not in immediate danger of dying so a gentle touch was in order. He lowered himself to a crouch beside Jim.

Jim was covered with food, vomit, and sexual fluids, as well as blood, cuts, and bruises. Bones had been fortunate to this point in his career that he had never had to deal with catatonia, but he could recognize it when he saw it.

“Jim,” he said as softly as he could. “Jim, are you there?”

Nothing. No reaction at all. Not a slight jump. Not a muscle moved. His blue eyes remained dull and lifeless.

“All right,” Leonard said. “The first thing we’re going to do is get you into the shower, okay? And it’s going to be water, nice and hot. That sounds good, right?”

It occurred to Leonard that perhaps he ought to do some sort of rape kit before taking Jim into the shower. He just didn’t know how cooperative Jim was going to be for such a thing.

“I’m going to have Christine bring in a rape kit, Jim.”

Jim said nothing. Did nothing.

Leonard nodded and stood up, moving over to the side of Jim’s quarters to contact Christine.

“Chrissy, it’s Leonard,” he whispered. “Bring a rape kit over to the captain’s quarters. And be very discreet.”

“Yes, doctor.”

The thing was, Leonard doubted there would be anything left of Frank to prosecute after Spock got to him, but he wanted all the evidence he could gather for any defense or whatever they would need.

Chapel arrived in only a couple of minutes and her sympathetic gaze went to their captain.

“He’ll be all right,” Leonard said, not sure he even felt it himself.

“Want me to stay while you do the exam and wait for the results?”

“Yeah, but by the door. I’ll take him into the bathroom. He won’t want anyone to see him like this.”

She bit her lip and nodded. 

Leonard went back to Jim and crouched down again. “I’m going to get you into the bathroom, Jim. We’ll do a very quick exam, make any needed repairs, and then get you in the shower, okay?”

When Jim gave no reaction, as Leonard had, unfortunately, expected, he stood and bent down to lift Jim to his feet, waving away Christine when she moved to help.

He brought the rape kit and his medical bag with them to the bathroom and stripped Jim out of what remained of his clothes. He did what he needed to do for the rape kit and set that aside, then ran the dermal regenerator over Jim’s cuts and abrasions.

“I’ll be right back, Jim,” Leonard promised.

He picked up the kit and brought it back out to Christine. “No word to _anyone_ about this but the two of us and Spock. I want someone in here to clean up this mess too and I want them to be quick and out of here before we’re done with his shower.”

“Yes, doctor.” She bit her lip again. “Leonard—”

“He’ll be okay,” he said again, not anymore sure this time than the last. “Go on, Chrissy.”

Leonard returned to the bathroom confident it would be done. Jim stood where he left him. His head bowed and looking at the floor.

“Let’s get you in that shower.”

Leonard moved past Jim and turned on the hot water. Normally he would want Spock to attend to this but Spock wasn’t here and it needed to be done as soon as possible.

He took hold of Jim’s arm.

“No,” Jim said.

He felt torn between relief that Jim had come out of catatonia enough to speak and sorrow for the broken way Jim sounded.

“Jim, we’ll want to get you cleaned up.” Leonard knew there was no other way to assist Jim in the shower other than to get in with him. Not wanting a wet uniform, he took off his clothes and set them aside.

Jim said nothing else but he did let Leonard lead him into the shower. Leonard grabbed a sponge and some soap and began to carefully and methodically wash Jim.

When Leonard picked up the hose, he hesitated for a moment, holding it and watching Jim. He didn’t want to have to do this but if Jim could not do it himself, then Leonard would.

“Jim, I…”

There were some things you didn’t want to do even for your friends. But Jim was no mere friend. He was Leonard’s brother. Blood be damned.

It was on the tip of his tongue to make a comment about how they were never to talk about this, but it fell flat before he could even get the words out and there was absolutely nothing funny about this in anyway.

Leonard closed his eyes briefly, sighed, and then did what he had to do to clean Jim out of that vile monster’s fluids. And if Jim _did_ want to talk about it then Leonard would because there was no one better to him than Jim.

When the shower was over, Leonard helped Jim out and wrapped him in a towel, letting him stand wooden and unseeing while Leonard dried himself and re-dressed in his uniform.

He looked outside the bathroom first to make sure Jim’s cabin had been cleaned and when he saw that it had, bless Christine, she’d probably done it herself, and he gently pulled Jim back into his quarters.

“What would you like to wear, Jim?”

Jim shook his head and that was the only answer he got.

“Come here, darling,” Leonard said, his voice breaking. He pulled open a drawer and pulled out sweatpants and assisted Jim into those and then a big sloppy T-shirt that read Starfleet Academy. “There you are.”

For the first time since he’d arrived, Jim’s gaze rose to his and lingered for five seconds on Leonard’s face. The breath caught in Leonard’s throat for Jim’s expression was so dismal it frightened him.

“Let’s get you something to eat,” Leonard tried next as Jim’s gaze slid away. “Chicken soup. It’s good for all that ails you.”

He went to the replicator to order the soup.

“With a whole bunch of saltines for you to put in the bowl to soak up all the broth, just the way you like it. Sit down there at the table.”

Jim sat to Leonard’s surprise. He brought the bowl and crackers over to Jim and set them in front of him.

Leonard never wanted someone to eat more than he did in that moment.

He could see then that Jim had started to shake and goddamn it but Spock should be here. Fuck, yeah, Frank needed to be blasted into space and broken into a million particles, but Jim needed Spock. And he was a poor damn substitute.

“Jim, please. Eat.”

Jim leaned forward then and smashed his whole face into the hot bowl of soup.

Leonard watched in horror. “My God!” He pulled Jim’s burning face out of the bowl and  away from the table even as Jim screamed and let out the most pain-wracked sob Leonard had ever heard. And it would haunt him forever.

He rushed for the dermal regenerator and quickly healed Jim’s burned face, all the while yanking Jim’s hands away when they tried to prevent Leonard from it. But the sobs continued.

Leonard pulled out his communicator. “McCoy to Spock. Damn it Spock get here now!”

“On my way,” came the clipped reply.

Spock could not get here soon enough.

He tried to reach for Jim, to embrace him, but his friend moved away, crumbling to the floor.

“Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!” Jim cried over and over again.

The door of Jim’s quarters opened and Spock stalked in. He exchanged a quick look with Leonard full of meaning Leonard couldn’t even begin to guess at and then he went to where Jim sat hunched on the floor.

“I am here, Jim. I am here.” His hand touched Jim’s face, smoothing over his cheek. “I am here. Always. I am here.”


	25. Chapter 25

“Spock, I need to have a word with you,” the doctor said from the doorway of Spock and Jim’s quarters.

Spock rubbed his thumb along Jim’s temple, projecting as much calm as he was able to, before rising from the floor and walking over to Leonard.

“Listen, you can’t let him out of your sight.”

“Doctor, I am well aware of Jim’s condition.”

Leonard shook his head. “Not for anything. Even if you have to go to the bathroom, you take him with you.”

“Leonard—”

“Spock, I brought Jim a bowl of hot soup and while I was watching him he put his face in it. He could have burned his damn retinas. I have never ever seen him like this. Self-harm doesn’t even begin to encapsulate all that he’s capable of right now. I’m reluctant to even leave him alone here with you.” Leonard ran a hand through his hair, his eyes looking wet.

“I understand,” Spock said softly.

“He’s got to be off command, there’s no question of that. You’re acting captain now.”

Spock hesitated. “My priorities must be here.”

The doctor nodded. “Yeah, I know. I’ll have Scotty take command and only bother you in an emergency. I’ll also contact those in charge of the space station and tell them our situation. That we need to stay here for the foreseeable future. The last thing we need to do right now is seek out the unknown.”

“Very well. We will talk about this later. For now I need to return to Jim.” Spock moved to turn away when Leonard put a hand on his arm again.

“I cleaned him up and—”

“Leonard. Please. Allow me to tend to my husband.”

The doctor’s gaze slid away but he nodded. “Keep me posted.” And then he left, leaving Spock alone with the huddled man on the floor of their quarters.

Spock returned to Jim’s side immediately.

Jim’s face was buried in his knees at present. Spock placed his fingers at the back of Jim’s neck, resting them there.

“Ashayam,” he whispered.

Jim raised his head a fraction.

“Allow me to carry you to our bed.”

A shake of his head.

“Jim—”

“No. Go away, Spock.”

He hardly recognized the cold, detached voice.

“I will not,” he said, simply.

“It’s over.”

“What is over, ashayam?”

“You and me.”

Spock stroked his fingers along the top of Jim’s spine. “Perhaps if you wish to speak to me you could look at me instead of your knee.”

Jim shook a little but that was his only reaction.

“We are not over. You are my husband and will be my bondmate.”

“No.”

“Yes.” Spock moved to scoop Jim up into his arms to move him. “I am going to take you to the bed now.”

Jim immediately started to fight him, hitting him across the shoulders and face, but Spock did not waiver until he held Jim and brought him to the bed. Once there, he continued to hold him, dodging Jim’s weakening blows, until finally they subsided and Jim lay limply in his arms.

“I am sorry,” Spock said softly. “Your grief, your pain is my fault.”

Jim does not reply.

“It is my duty as your husband and mate to keep you safe, to protect you, to keep away the monsters, and I-I have failed.”

“I’m not worthy of you,” Jim whispered so quietly even Spock’s superior hearing had difficulty with it.

“James—”

“I’m dirt. Disgusting. Vile.”

“That is him speaking not you.” Spock held Jim tighter. “I can promise you that you will never have to endure him again. That much I can assure you.”

Jim pulled away slightly, tilting his head back to look at Spock. His blue eyes were vacant. As lifeless as they once were when Jim perished in the warp core. “What did you do?”

“You needn’t be concerned, ashayam. All you need to know is that you will never see him nor hear from him again.”

Lashes lowered over Jim’s eyes. “I see him in my nightmares. He’s never gone.”

Spock hesitated and then said, “I can take those away from you too.”

Those  vacant eyes stared at him again. “What are you suggesting?”

“There is a Vulcan method to-to erase-to remove such painful memories.”

Jim shook his head. “I deserve to endure them. He didn’t force himself on me. I went to him. I allowed him to do what he did to me. To fuck me. To debase me. It was my doing. You deserve someone else, Spock. Someone better than me. _Anyone_ other than me.”

 “I would rather be alone than endure even a second without you. There is no one else for me, Jim.”

Jim looked away then. “That’s certainly a lie. I thought Vulcans didn’t lie, Spock. You were with Uhura for _years_. She wanted you to marry her, didn’t she?”

“At one time, yes, but we both realized that we were not ultimately compatible.”

“And neither are we.”

“Not true.” Spock hesitated again. “You are my t’hy’la.”

“That’s a pretty word, anyway.”

“When we leave here, I want us to go to New Vulcan to bond.”

Jim shook his head wearily. “I’m never bonding with you.”

“Jim—”

“You don’t get it! I’m fucked up. Trash. You’re too good for me. That’s never going to change. I’m not bonding with you and I’m going to dissolve our marriage. I want you off the Enterprise.”

Spock felt a great pain in his head and his heart seemed to turn over. “Why?”

“Because you need your freedom.”

For a long time, Spock said nothing. He just sat on the bed, holding Jim. Then very slowly he moved his fingers up to Jim’s cheek and rested them there. Jim’s gaze flew to his and for the first time since they had been left alone together after Leonard’s departure, Spock saw the emotional pain behind the glacial blue.

“This is another form of your self-harm, t’hy’la, and I will not let you sacrifice us. I feel your grief, your pain, and I share it. It is my grief, it is my pain. And though you would dismiss me to continue to torture yourself, I will not now, nor will I ever, abandon you, as others have done.”

A single tear dropped from Jim’s eye to fall on Spock’s fingers. “It hurts,” he whispered.

“I know.”

“I hate him. I hate him so much.”

Spock rested his forehead against Jim’s. “I do as well. But he is gone. He will not harm you.”

“I hate-I hate myself.”

Spock closed his eyes. “I know. But I will fight your demons and I will try to have enough love for both of us.”

More tears fell until suddenly Jim was sobbing, burying his face in Spock’s neck as he shook and cried.

“Don’t leave me,” Jim said brokenly.

“Never.”    


End file.
